his misery away.
I need to love myself more than I could ever love him. I’m trying to. My God, am I trying.
He nods his head as he tosses his keys down on the coffee table and stands awkwardly in front of me.
I have to swallow the tightness in my throat and ignore the heat flowing through my body begging me to give in. “Hi.” I’m the first to say anything at all and break the uneasy tension in the living room.
“How are you?” he asks and it feels so odd. Like we’re just old friends or acquaintances.
“Not the best,” I answer him. I try to find that anger, I remember everything as my eyes shift to the entrance to the dining room, but there’s not an ounce of anger that will come to my rescue.
“I miss you,” he says as the last word spills from my lips.
“I miss you too,” I admit, my voice cracking and I lick my lips.
“Things have gotten rough, but I never stopped loving you. You’re the only thing that matters.”
“What you say is everything I want to hear, Evan. But it’s what you’ve done that makes it impossible for me to stay with you.”
His boots smack on the hardwood floor as he makes his way to me. And I don’t move. I don’t object. I even lean into him slightly when he sits down next to me. At first he’s angled away from me, his elbows on his knees but then he looks at me with a hurt in his eyes that makes me inch closer to him, and he does the same.
I may be angry about what he’s done. What I’ve done as well. But no amount of anger can outweigh the pain we both feel in this moment.
The pain from knowing we’re damaged beyond repair.
“Will you ever forgive me?” he questions and then takes a chance, moving his large hand to my thigh and gently rubbing his thumb back and forth.
“I already have,” I tell him and feel slightly less strong. Weak for being okay with what’s happened. Or at least for accepting it.
“Do you just not love me anymore then?” he asks me, his eyes piercing into mine and holding me captive. His words are raw, coming from a damaged man.
My lungs still and the words hang on the tip of my tongue. They’re too afraid to leave me. I’m so weak for him, so bendable and disposable. If I admit such a flaw, he may never give me a fighting chance for something more.
What’s worse, I may be content with that.
“Please just tell me you love me,” Evan whispers. “I know I fuck up, more than I should. But please don’t stop loving me.”
“I’ve never felt so alone.” It’s one thing to be left alone. It’s quite another to choose it. In this moment, I don’t want it. I don’t want to be alone another day, but I know I have to.
“I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be mad at you,” I tell him, wiping from under my eyes and leaning my body into his. He kisses my forehead before enveloping me in his arms. And I let him. My biggest flaw.
“Then don’t,” he whispers and then pulls away to look down at me, waiting for my eyes to meet his. “Forgive me, please,” he says and when I look to him, his dark hazel eyes beg me. His voice is raw and full of nothing but pain and remorse. “For everything. For being so stupid. For putting you through all this shit.”
The question is right there, right on the tip of my tongue. I should ask, I should know what he’s hiding. But the look in his eyes is so familiar.
“I meant what I said,” I tell him. “I need you to leave.”
“But you still love me?” he asks me even though it comes out as a statement.
My body heats, my breath stutters and the words get caught in my throat, refusing to come out. I’m on the edge of leaving him, of ruining this man I love so much.
“Yes, I still love you. So much,” I admit and the confession is like a weight off my chest, but one that only leaves a gaping, painful hole in its absence.
“I can fix this.”
“I need you to leave, Evan,” I plead with him weakly.
“Just give me time.”
“We’re separated, Evan. That’s what that means.”
“I don’t want this. Please, Kat.” Evan closes his eyes and buries his face in