marriage is that!” As the words tear from my throat and Evan stares back at me a guilty man, the reality hits me like a bullet to the chest.
I was blinded by my lust for him. Maybe even my love. Either way, I’ve been denying the reality.
“I want more than this. I deserve better.”
“I love you,” he says like that’s the answer to all of this. Like it will save us.
“You keep saying that, but I don’t think you know what it means.” Or maybe love just simply isn’t enough anymore.
“What really gets me,” I start to say then take in a long, ragged breath, finally taking a step toward him but immediately stop when he does the same.
Standing across from him in the small office I look him in the eyes and get what I’ve been thinking about out of me. “You saw her all the time. You were with her at every function.” My voice lowers as I add, “Even I was with her so many times. And you didn’t bother to tell me.”
“What happened was a mistake for her too.”
“Don’t talk to me like she didn’t know what she was doing. She was married and she knew we were together. How could you? How could you stand to be around her?”
“I was working. If you’ll recall, you were broke and we needed money. What was I supposed to do? Quit?”
“Does your boss know?” His expression turns to stone, although he looks more pissed off than anything else. “Does James know?” I ask him again.
“I don’t know.”
It’s silent as I breathe out a huff of disgust.
“I’m sorry. I fucked up but it was years ago.”
“It wasn’t just years ago. Every day you went back was a mistake. Every day you kept it from me was a mistake!”
“What part of it being my job don’t you get?” he asks me in a low voice full of anger as he takes another step forward.
“You could have gotten another job.” All I can see is red. The words come out automatically, but my mind is racing. My breathing is heavy.
“Who would hire me?” he asks with sincerity. “You were just starting out and needed every penny I could earn.”
“Don’t act like you did this for me!” I spit at him with anger. My fist pounds against my chest. “Don’t you dare blame this on me!”
Tears prick my eyes as he stares at me without saying a word.
Shame and guilt heat my body. Both of us are raging with emotion. Both of us want to tear the other person apart. That realization is all I can take. Tears spill over and I have to turn away from him. With my back to him, he tries to touch me and I rip my arm away from him. I shake my head and firm my resolve.
“Please leave me alone. I’m begging you, Evan. If you love me, please get away from me.”
Evan
The truth I cannot change,
I’m a sinner and I confess.
But I refuse to let her go,
She’s my love and nothing less.
I love you, Kat, and I’m sorry.
I text her again, the cellphone screen lighting up the dark bedroom in Pops’s house, my old bedroom. The glossy posters reflect the light that scatters into the room in stripes from the blinds on the window. The sound of the traffic is louder here and everything about it reminds me of the life I used to lead. The one before Kat. The one I’m so damn ashamed of now.
I’ll never forget the look of disappointment on his face when I showed up a few hours ago with a duffle bag. It’s like even he lost hope in me making it right with Kat.
It’s crushing to leave her. But it’s different this time. I get exactly why she needs space. This is why I never told her. She needed something to hold on to, though, she needed a solid reason to be pissed at me, so we could get through it and move on.
Still, I didn’t expect it to go down like it did. I’m worthless and it’s never been more apparent to me that my life is meaningless without Kat in it.
I swallow thickly as I lean back on the bed and fall against the pillow. I’ve never felt so alone. I wish I could take it all back.
My eyes close as I feel my heart slow and my blood turn cold. Being here like this makes me remember one of the last conversations I had