turns the woman and gently pushes her on to the table, pressing down on her as the table almost topples over.
“Whoa,” Bex says as we stand there frozen.
The guy continues kissing the woman as his arm reaches out, trying to find that bowl on top of the china cabinet. He topples it over and a confetti of condoms scatters across the floor. He grabs one, unzips his pants, and starts to unwrap the condom. This could potentially be hot. Except, they’re not.
“Okkkaaaaay,” I say in stunned shock. Bex and I are like deer in headlights. A nervous, panicky feeling starts in the pit of my stomach and quickly spreads throughout my whole psyche.
Suddenly, Bex snaps to it. “Liv. Liiiiivvvvv. Where did you find out about this party?”
“Um, I…it was an ad that popped up when I was researching dating apps,” I say as a woman in lingerie runs by giggling.
“An ad? From a dating app? What kind of app?” A tone of impatient anger has edged into Bex’s voice. “Let me see the invite.” Bex grabs my phone and scrolls through to find the email.
Love the Lifestyle. Experience Hollywood high life at an out of this world party venue. Glamorous couples. Single ladies free. She lifts her eyes to mine and they narrow. “Liv…”
“I mean, who wouldn’t want this lifestyle? A house in the hills!” Shit, what have I done? I think to myself. I’ll never get Bex away from Netflix after this.
“Liv!” Bex whisper-shrieks. “I know you haven’t been over here for a while, but what do you think Lifestyle means? We are at a swinger’s party! You know, a sex party? What did you think it meant? Glamorous Couples? Free entry for single ladies? Do I need to spell it out for you in condoms?”
“I know! I’m sorry. I can’t believe it. I didn’t realize! I thought it was an exclusive dating event. A glamorous cocktail thing. Oh my God. And Chandace were all over us. He actually asked me if we wanted to go upstairs!” I am full-on panicking now.
“Let’s get outta here. Get an Uber, stat.” Bex orders in a voice as serious as a trauma surgeon. “I cannot believe I got all dressed up for what turns out to be a swinger’s party. I just want to go home, get in my bathrobe and eat Ben & Jerry’s. I’m done!”
“Come on, we can still go out somewhere. You look so nice,” I gently plead, desperate to salvage what’s turned out to be a total disaster of an evening.
Bex’s dagger eyes dart sideways to look at me. “Is the car on its way?”
“Dammit, I can’t get a signal here. My roaming coverage is awful, especially in these hills. Try yours.”
Bex pulls out her phone and swipes to unlock it as the screen fades to black. “Of course, my battery is dead. I mean, why would anything go right at this stage?”
“Maybe we can just parachute down to Hollywood Boulevard?” I say, half-joking, half-serious. “Wait, what about the bartender, he seems nice? And I mean, he’s working, so he can’t try to kidnap us to a bedroom upstairs.”
We go find Hot Biceps, who has now turned into our knight in shining, shirtless armor.
“How’s your evening going, ladies? Chandace were just over here looking for you two. They said you’re the most beautiful unicorns.”
“Unicorns?” Bex and I say in unison and look at each other.
“Look, can you call us an Uber? My phone is dead and we need to leave. Now. This isn’t our scene at all,” Bex says.
“Okay, okay, I understand.” He picks up his phone to order a ride.
“Here’s twenty bucks for the fare.” Bex puts the money on the bar.
“No, that’s okay.” He pushes the twenty-dollar bill back to Bex. “That’s nice of you, but I’d hate for you to leave with a bad impression. You know, this isn’t my thing either, but the tips are great. I’d rather wear a shirt, but the event organizers say it helps to create a ‘party mood.’” His golden brown arms flex as he mimes air quotes. “I like my life to be more calm and authentic. My name’s Alex.” He extends his arm to Bex for a handshake. “I know this might sound strange but I don’t care. I’ll say it anyway.” He’s still holding on to Bex’s hand as he continues. “I feel like you’d enjoy the spiritual journey of yoga. Have you ever tried a class? My friend Skip teaches at LoftYoga and I can