some idiot vote-yourself-rich system like democracy. At least they could tell the people he was their fault.
*
‘Looks like you’re genuine after all, then,’ the old man said. ‘One of the dark clerks wouldn’t have [done] that. We thought you was one of his lordship’s special gentlemen, see. No offence, but you’ve got a bit more colour than the average penpusher.’
‘Dark clerks?’ said Moist, and then recollection dawned. ‘Oh … do you mean those stocky little men in black suits and bowler hats?’
‘The very same. Scholarship boys at the Assassins’ Guild, some of ‘em. I heard that they can do some nasty things when they’ve a mind.’
‘I thought you called them pen-pushers?’
Yeah, but I didn’t say where, hee-hee.’
*
Mr Pump, a golem, points out to conman Moist von Lipwig the downstream consequences of what had seemed to Moist to be harmless scams to separate fools from their money:
You can’t just go around killing people!’ shouted Moist.
‘Why Not? You Do.’
‘What? I do not! Who told you that?’
‘I Worked It Out. You Have Killed Two Point Three Three Eight People,’ said the golem calmly.
‘I have never laid a finger on anyone in my life, Mr Pump. I may be -all the things you know I am, but I am not a killer! I have never so much as drawn a sword!’
‘No, You Have Not. But You Have Stolen, Embezzled, Defrauded And Swindled Without Discrimination, Mr Lipvig. You Have Ruined Businesses
And Destroyed Jobs. When Banks Fail, It Is Seldom Bankers Who Starve. Your Actions Have Taken Money From Those Who Had Little Enough To Begin With. In A Myriad Small Ways You Have Hastened The Deaths Of Many. You Do Not Know Them. You Did Not See Them Bleed. But You Snatched Bread From Their Mouths And Tore Clothes From Their Backs. For Sport, Mr Lipvig. For Sport. For The Joy Of The Game.’
Moist’s mouth had dropped open. It shut. It opened again. It shut again. You can never find repartee when you need it.
‘I Have Read The Details Of Your Many Crimes, Mr Lipvig. You Took From Others Because You Were Clever And They Were Stupid.’
‘Hold on, most of the time they thought they were swindling me!’
‘You Set Out To Trap Them, Mr Lipvig.’
People in Ankh-Morpork
always paid attention to people on rooftops, in case there was a chance of an interesting suicide.
By law and tradition the great Library of Unseen University is open to the public, although they aren’t allowed as far as the magical shelves. They don’t realize this, however, since the rules of time and space are twisted inside the Library and so hundreds of miles of shelving can easily be concealed inside a space roughly the thickness of paint.
People flock in, nevertheless, in search of answers to those questions only librarians are considered to be able to answer, such as ‘Is this the laundry?’ ‘How do you spell surreptitious?’ and, on a regular basis: ‘Do you have a book I remember reading once? It had a red cover and it turned out they were twins.’
*
The hub or nerve centre of the coach business was a big shed next to the stable. It smelled - no, it stank - no, it fugged of horses, leather, veterinary medicine, bad coal, brandy and cheap cigars. That’s what a fug was. You could have cut cubes out of the air and sold it for cheap building material.
*
Ankh-Morpork was a lot more civilized these days. Between them the Watch and the Guilds had settled things down enough to ensure that actually being attacked while going about your lawful business in Ankh-Morpork was now merely a possibility instead of, as it once was, a matter of course. And the streets were so clean now that you could sometimes even see the street.
*
The Mended Drum could be depended upon. If someone didn’t come out of the door backwards and fall down in the street just as you passed, then there was something wrong with the world.
*
Stanley took down, from the shelf, the Book of Regulations. He turned the pages methodically until he came to the bookmark he’d put in a minute ago, on the page What To Do In Case Of Fire.
So far he’d done 1: Upon Discovery of the Fire, Remain Calm.
Now he came to 2: Shout ‘Fire!’ in a Loud, Clear Voice.
‘Fire!’ he shouted, and then ticked off 2 with his pencil.
Next was: 3: Endeavour to Extinguish Fire If Possible.
Stanley went to the door and opened it. Flames and smoke billowed in. He stared at them