a book about ear wax.’
*
‘You didn’t get that stuff out of the sack! Not cigars and peaches in brandy and grub with fancy foreign names!’
YES, IT CAME OUT OF THE SACK.
Albert gave him a suspicious look.
‘But you put it in the sack in the first place, didn’t you?’
No.
You did, didn’t you?’ Albert stated.
No.
You put all those things in the sack.’
No.
You got them from somewhere and put them in the sack.’
No.
You did put them in the sack, didn’t you?’
No.
You put them in the sack.’
YES.
*
‘They’re title deeds,’ said Medium Dave. ‘And they’re better than money’
‘Paper’s better’n money?’ said Catseye.
‘If we steal them, do they become ours?’ said Chickenwire.
‘Is that a trick question?’ said Catseye, smirking.
‘I know people say I’d kill them as soon as look at them,’ whispered Teatime. ‘And in fact I’d much rather kill you than look at you, Mr Lilywhite.’
‘And what’ll you do when he comes after you?’
‘He can’t look everywhere.’
Medium Dave shook his head. You only had to look into Teatime’s mismatched eyes to know one thing, which was this: that if Teatime wanted to find you he would not look everywhere. He’d look in only one place, which would be the place where you were hiding.
‘They’ve piled the teeth up in a magic circle downstairs,’ said Susan.
Violet’s eyes and mouth formed three Os. It was like looking at a pink bowling ball.
‘What for?’
‘I think they’re using them to control the children. By magic’
Violet’s mouth opened wider.
‘That’s horrid.’
Horrible, thought Susan. The word is ‘horrible’. ‘Horrid’ is a childish word selected to impress nearby males with one’s fragility, if I’m any judge.
It is said that the prospect of hanging concentrates the mind wonderfully, but it was Valium compared to being watched by Mister Teatime.
*
‘I could certainly run a marvellous university here if only we didn’t have to have these damn students underfoot all the time.’
*
‘All right,’ said Susan. ‘I’m not stupid. You’re saying humans need … fantasies to make life bearable.’
REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
‘Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—’
YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
‘So we can believe the big ones?’
YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.
‘They’re not the same at all!’
YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET— Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME … SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.
Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what’s the point—’
MY POINT EXACTLY.
*
Death fumbled inside his robe.
I HAVE MADE THIS FOR YOU.
Susan reached out and took a square of damp cardboard. Water dripped off the bottom. Somewhere in the middle, a few brown feathers seemed to have been glued on.
‘Thank you. Er … what is it?’
ALBERT SAID THERE OUGHT TO BE SNOW ON IT, BUT IT APPEARS TO HAVE MELTED, said Death. IT IS, OF COURSE, A HOGSWATCH CARD.
‘Oh …’
THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A ROBIN ON IT AS WELL, BUT I HAD CONSIDERABLE DIFFICULTY IN GETTING IT TO STAY ON.
‘Ah …’
IT WAS NOT AT ALL CO-OPERATIVE.
‘Really … ?’
IT DID NOT SEEM TO GET INTO THE HOGSWATCH SPIRIT AT ALL.
DISGWORLD goes to war, with armies of sardines, warriors, fishermen, squid and at least one very camp follower.
As two armies march, Commander Vimes of Ankfe-Morpork City Watch faces Unpleasant foes who are out to get Mm … and that’s just the people on his side. The enemy might be even worse.
Jingo makes the World Cup look like a friendly five-a-side.
As every student of exploration knows, the prize goes not to the explorer who first sets foot upon the virgin soil but to the one who gets that foot home first. If it is still attached to his leg, this is a bonus.
*
Detritus’s intelligence wasn’t too bad for a troll, falling somewhere between a cuttlefish and a line-dancer.
*
Lord Vetinari looked attentive, because he’d always found that listening keenly to people tended to put them off.
‘Oh, history,’ said Lord Selachii. That’s all in the past!’
‘Gentlemen, please,’ said the Patrician. ‘Let’s have no fighting, please. This is, after all, a council of war’
*
‘A Klatchian bigwig is coming here?’ said Vimes. ‘No one told me!’
‘Strange as it may seem, Sir Samuel, I