knew that it worked. But they’d also found that it didn’t do to pay too much attention to what the King wanted, because there was bound to be another king along in forty years or so and he’d be certain to want something different and so they’d have gone to all that trouble for nothing. In the meantime, his job as they saw it was to mostly stay in the palace, practise the waving, have enough sense to face the right way on coins and let them get on with the ploughing, sowing, growing and harvesting. It was, as they saw it, a social contract. They did what they always did, and he let them.
*
‘I used to know an Igor from Uberwald,’ said Nanny. ‘Walked with a limp. One eye a bit higher than the other. Had the same manner of … speaking. Very good at brain juggling, too.’
‘That thoundth like my Uncle Igor,’ said Igor. ‘He worked for the mad doctor at Blinz. Ha, an’ he wath a proper mad doctor, too, not like the mad doctorth you get thethe dayth. And the thervantth? Even worthe. No pride thethe dayth.’ He tapped the brandy flask for emphasis. ‘When Uncle Igor wath thent out for a ge-niuth’th brain, that’th what you damn well got. There wath none of thith fumble-finger thtuff and then pinching a brain out of the “Really Inthane” jar and hopin’ no one’d notithe. They alwayth do, anyway’
Nanny took a step back. The only sensible way to hold a conversation with an Igor was when you had an umbrella.
*
Not many people ever tasted Nanny Ogg’s home-made brandy; it was technically impossible. Once it encountered the warmth of the human mouth it immediately turned into fumes. You drank it via your sinuses.
*
‘The trouble is that people always think of vampires in terms of their diet,’ said the Count, as Nanny hurried away. ‘It’s really rather insulting. You eat animal flesh and vegetables, but it hardly defines you, does it?’
*
‘How does Perdita work, then?’ said Nanny.
Agnes sighed. ‘Look, you know the part of you that wants to do all the things you don’t dare do, and thinks the thoughts you don’t dare think?’
Nanny’s face stayed blank. Agnes floundered. ‘Like … maybe … rip off all your clothes and run naked in the rain?’ she hazarded.
‘Oh, yes. Right,’ said Nanny.
‘Well … I suppose Perdita is that part of me.’
‘Really? I’ve always been that part of me,’ said Nanny. ‘The important thing is to remember where you left your clothes.’
*
‘People have quite the wrong idea about vampires, you see. Are we fiendish killers?’ He beamed at them. ‘Well, yes, of course we are. But only when necessary’
*
They were listening quite contentedly to the worst music since Shawn Ogg’s bagpipes had been dropped down the stairs.
*
They watched the servant limp off. The Count shook his head.
‘He’ll never retire,’ said Vlad. ‘He’ll never take a hint.’
‘And it’s so old fashioned having a servant called Igor,’ said the Countess. ‘He really is too much.’
‘Look, it’s simple,’ said Lacrimosa. ‘Just take him down to the cellars, slam him in the Iron Maiden, stretch him on the rack over a fire for a day or two, and then slice him thinly from the feet upwards, so he can watch. You’ll be doing him a kindness, really’
‘I suppose it’s the best way’ said the Count sadly.
*
There was more to Mr Oats than met the eye. There had to be.
*
Books that were all about the world tended to be written by people who knew all about books rather than all about the world.
*
‘Look, you said you’ve studied vampires, didn’t you? What’s good for vampires?’
Oats thought for a moment. ‘Er … a nice dry coffin, er, plenty of fresh blood, er, overcast skies …’ His voice trailed off when he saw her expression. ‘Ah … well, it depends exactly where they’re from, I remember. Uberwald is a very big place. Er, cutting off the head and staking them in the heart is generally efficacious.’
‘But that works on everyone,’ said Nanny.
*
‘You don’t know what he’s like,’ said Agnes. ‘He looks at me as if he’s undressing me with his eyes.’
‘Eyes is allowed,’ said Nanny.
*
Agnes’s arm whirled. The holy water spiralled out of the bottle and hit Vlad full in the chest.
He threw his arms wide and screamed as water cascaded down and poured into his shoes.
‘Look at this waistcoat! Will you look at this waistcoat? Do you know what water does to silk? You just never get it out! No