given me shelter and clothes and food and money, and, my God, Alexander, by sharing your most shameful secret, you’ve given me your trust. You keep warning me away with words, but you’ve done nothing but care for me in your actions. Do you see it now? You say you don’t love me, but you’ve been loving me well since the day we met.”
I shake my head. “I’ve said some horrible things—”
“To protect me. You said horrible things because you wanted to protect me from what you feared you might do. Even in your cruelty, you’ve taken care of me.”
I scrub my face, my head spinning. “This is so messed up.”
“It is.” She draws closer. “It’s messy and probably unhealthy, but it’s us. It’s ours.” She tilts her head back to look up at me. “And I want to keep it. I want to try. Because even at our worst, I’ve felt more cherished and cared for than I have with anyone else in all my life.”
“I’m so sorry.” The shame over the things I said to her weighs heavy on my shoulders, and I fear I may crumble. “I was trying to push you away. You didn’t deserve the things I said to you.”
“Yeah, that sucked. If we do this, and you’re no longer trying to push me away, then I expect you’ll cut that shit out, right?”
“I’d rather have my tongue cut out than use it to hurt you.”
She smirks. “Let’s not get carried away.” She steps into my space and slides her hands around my middle to rest on my lower back. “I’m kind of fond of your tongue.”
That’s it. I crumble. I fold over her, around her, and drag her tiny body against mine. Now that I have her in my arms again, I fear I won’t have the strength to ever let her go. I need her that much, crave her that much. I’d die holding her just like this for as long as my heart kept beating.
Not love. Something even stronger.
“We need to talk about what happened with Brandy.”
My eyes pop open, and my grip on her tightens.
I should’ve known our reconciliation was too easy.
Twenty-Eight
Jordan
Every muscle in Alexander’s body is tensed to the point of shaking.
“It’s okay.” I rub his back and try to get him to relax, but the strain manages to string tighter. “I know you’re legally bound to secrecy, but I need to hear the story from you. Can you understand that?”
He nods once against my shoulder.
“You can trust me with all of it.” I take his hands and bring him to the woodstove. I toss animal pelts and blankets onto the floor and then bring him to sit down. I’m on my butt with my arms wrapped around my shins, and he’s on his hip, one leg outstretched, the other boot on the ground while he stares into the fire.
“You loved her,” I say by way of starting the conversation.
“I thought so.” He blinks and shakes his head. “But I recognize now what I felt was more like she was my possession. And the thought of losing her to someone else…”
I allow the silence to expand in hopes he’ll continue, but he doesn’t. “What was she saying to you in the car before… before you…” I can’t bring myself to say it. Can’t force my lips to utter the words.
“She was laughing. She thought it was funny that I actually believed she had feelings for me. Said she liked my money and the…” He shakes his head.
I lean to the side to get his eyes. “The what?”
“Sex.”
Oh. Ouch.
“I remember wanting to be quiet because the things she was saying made me so angry.” His eyes narrow, even though he’s staring at nothing but the fire. “She must’ve been drunk. She… kept calling me retarded. I didn’t know she’d taken off her seatbelt. She must’ve done it right before she started grabbing my face, saying, ‘look at me, look at me when I’m talking to you.’”
He drops his chin and shakes his head. I give him the time he needs, and eventually, he continues.
“My temper is bad now, but it was worse at twenty-three. She knew she was pushing my buttons, and I wonder if she wanted me to lose it and get in an accident just so she could collect a settlement. I don’t know any other reason why she wouldn’t stop. I begged her to stop.” He lifts his eyes back to the fire. “I saw the building ahead