had sex with him, it wasn’t like being on my own. Sure, it felt nice, but that was about it. I’d faked every single orgasm, mostly because I just didn’t care. That was the other thing I should have known: I didn’t care about him. When I wasn’t with him, I sometimes forgot he even existed. Before I’d had a ring on my finger, I had to set reminders to call or text him.
He hadn’t been that into me, either, which made the fact that he’d proposed so strange. I’d probably never know what was truly going through his mind when he’d asked me to marry him, or why he’d stayed with me so long. I was one to talk; I’d been ready to marry a man I didn’t even love.
There were almost too many online resources about being queer, and too many discussions that I didn’t feel like I was a part of, so I stuck with reading fiction (mostly romances) and looking through pictures of beautiful women.
Not a bad way to spend my time, to be honest. I was really getting into it. Did I have a type? Did I have a preference? I had no idea. It was a bit like being a preteen picking which member of a band was the hottest. Only I guess I’d usually picked the one with the best hair. Huh.
There was so much to think about, and more often than not, I started feeling like I was getting a headache and had to stop, or switch to reading romances or watching lots of TV shows. Somehow, I had cut myself off from so much content, probably because I was afraid it would trigger something in me.
Everything made sense from this hindsight point.
Now that I had a better handle on myself, I had some decisions to make. I didn’t care about telling my parents, but there were a few key people I did want to trust, the top one being Tessa. She already knew, so I didn’t have to go through that again. Next on my list: Tessa’s parents, Gus, and Tessa’s aunts. I wanted to tackle the aunts first, so after locking up the library one day the following Thursday, I headed over to the antique store, knowing they stayed open later on Thursdays. I hadn’t told Tessa I was doing this, because I wanted to just do it.
“Oh, Monty, good to see you!” Vanessa came out from behind the register to give me a warm hug. “Is Tessa with you?”
I shook my head. “Actually, I came to see you. And Hollie, if she’s around. If not, can we talk?”
“Of course, sweetheart.”
As if she’d heard her name, Hollie came around the corner.
“Monty, what are you doing here?”
“Do you want to go somewhere more quiet?” Vanessa asked.
“Yeah, sure.”
Why had I decided to do this? Coming out to Tessa was one thing, but this was completely different. Was it different every time?
Vanessa and Hollie took me back to their cozy office, which had two antique desks, and a corner with two chairs and a coffee cart.
“Do you need anything?”
“A glass of water,” I croaked, my throat parched.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” Hollie said, reaching out and taking one of my hands as Vanessa handed me a glass. I downed the whole thing and set the glass down so I wouldn’t drop it.
“I think I’m queer. I mean, I know I am. Maybe a lesbian. I’m still working on that part. But I know you’re both lesbians, so I wanted to talk to you about it.” I looked into my lap as I spoke.
Hollie squeezed my hand. “I’m so proud of you.”
Then I was engulfed in the most loving aunt hug of my life.
“How do you feel?” Vanessa said, pulling back and beaming at me.
“I’m not really sure? But good, I think. There’s just so much going on in my head and I’m realizing that I didn’t know myself as well as I thought I did.” They exchanged a knowing look.
“Thank you so much for trusting us with this,” Vanessa said. “I know we don’t talk about how we each came out, but if you want to know my story, I’m happy to share it with you.”
“Me too,” Hollie said.
So I sat with my adopted trans lesbian aunts and listened. Yes, their stories were complicated further by coming to the realization they were transgender first, and transitioning, and then meeting and falling in love with each other.
Still, their stories hit a deep place inside me, and