is it, Ford?” I asked. My hands shook as I kept working on her hair.
She moved away from me and scooted around so we were face-to-face. I picked up my frappe and gulped so much that I almost choked.
Monty set hers down next to her and then lay down on the floor, looking at the ceiling. I joined her, our shoulders touching. I’d just have to keep track of where I’d put my frappe glass. Cleaning that shit off the carpet would be a nightmare.
Thunder boomed so close that I jumped a little.
“Even if I didn’t know you better than I know myself, I’d know something was going on with you. Something big. Can you find somewhere to start?” I asked.
Monty took a deep breath and licked her lips.
“When I found out about TJ cheating, I was angry. But I was also relieved. I didn’t want to marry him. I don’t think I ever did. I just...I made a plan that I was going to be librarian and marry a man and I never questioned it. He was there and he asked. It was what I was supposed to do. Everyone said so. Girls would tell me all the time how lucky I was and how hot he was, and I repeated all of that over and over to myself in the dark at night. I was lucky. So lucky. But that didn’t make it true.”
I clamped my lips shut so I didn’t make any comment. I had to shut up so she could get this out. She needed to get it all out. My arms ached to hold her, but I pressed them against my sides.
“I had everything planned, Tessa. Everything. There was so much comfort in knowing exactly where I was going. Exactly what my path was. I didn’t have to rattle around or worry or have a crisis about who I was going to be. I already knew. I knew, Tessa. I knew who I was.”
She took a deep breath.
“Until now.”
This waiting was going to kill me. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff with her, waiting to see what would happen.
“I’ve been thinking, and I think I know...I don’t think I’m...” she trailed off and made a gasping noise that was almost like a sob. I couldn’t stay still anymore, so I rolled over and faced her. I still didn’t speak, but I couldn’t look away from her face. She kept her eyes on the ceiling as she inhaled and exhaled with little jerks. I looked for tears, but there were none that I could see. There was nothing I could do to help her, and it was one of the worst feelings in the world.
“I don’t think I attracted to men. At all. I’m not sure. I was having all these thoughts and now that my future is this big blank and I’d started letting myself imagine what it could be, not what it should be, and I don’t think I want it to be with a guy. Not just because of TJ. Looking back now, it feels obvious that I was never really attracted to him. I mean, sure, he was good looking. I knew that on the surface. But when he kissed me, I felt nothing. Just two sets of lips touching. When we first got together I’d get so nervous when he’d kiss me, but once that went away it was like kissing a relative. No fire. No desire. No feeling like I wanted him to do it again.”
For some reason, I started shaking. Maybe I was cold from the frappe. I almost screamed as another boom of thunder sounded right above us, so loud that it almost shook the hotel. Rain smashed against the windows, as if it was trying to find a way in.
“And I know that someone else might say that just means I wasn’t attracted to TJ, but that’s not it. I can’t explain it. I don’t understand it. I just know that it’s true. It’s true that I’m some form of gay or queer or something. I don’t know.”
She exhaled slowly and I waited for her to say more.
“Please say something,” she whispered.
“How long have you been thinking about this?” The questions piled up in my mind, but I needed them to shut up right now. Supporting Monty was the absolute most important thing I could do right now.
“I don’t know, exactly. Off and on since the breakup. But this trip really