you qualified to write a book like this?”
“Well, Anne,” Dr. Levine says, “I have a Ph.D. in male behavioral patterns and I’ve spent the better half of my life studying the male species.”
The interviewer lets out a hearty laugh. “Species! I love it. It’s like they’re primates in the wild.”
Dr. Levine smiles politely. “In a way, they actually are. Everyone likes to think men are these complicated, difficult-to-comprehend creatures, but they’re actually not. They’re very easy. Biologically they haven’t changed much since the caveman years, and neither have we. It’s our society that has convoluted our gender roles. I study men the same way a zoologist might study apes in the jungle.”
Wow. I didn’t even know you could get an actual degree in deciphering the male brain. This woman really is an expert on the opposite sex!
It immediately makes me realize how little I know. I mean, Tristan is the first guy I’ve ever dated. My first real relationship. (And no, I don’t count the seven minutes I spent kissing Alex Patterson in the closet in eighth grade.)
Here I was thinking I could solve this Tristan dilemma on my own, but the truth is, I am completely clueless about boys.
I stop the interview—I’ve seen enough to convince me—and pop over to my favorite online bookstore, where I still have leftover funds from my last birthday gift card. I search for The Girl Commandments by Dr. Louise Levine.
This book is popular. It’s ranked #4 in all self-help books. At least I know I’m not alone out there.
I purchase the eBook and download it to my phone. A minute later, I’m looking at the table of contents. There’s an introduction and then ten chapters, one for each of the commandments. I don’t have time to read it all now so I simply skim the chapter titles, feeling like I’m being bulldozed by a new revelation with each one.
Girl Commandment #4: Thou shall NOT text or call him back right away.
Well, there’s my first mistake right there. I always text Tristan back right away. I’ve been doing it the past two Mondays.
I glance at my phone, rereading the messages from Tristan.
He wants to talk about last night? Well, he’ll just have to wait.
Ha!
Moving on.
Girl Commandment #5: Thou shall always be a Creature of Mystery.
I slap my forehead. Of course! Be mysterious! I’m never mysterious. I’m always so … well … whatever the opposite of mysterious is.
I select the chapter and scan the text. It has additional hints on exactly how to be a Creature of Mystery. Things like:
• Answer his questions with a question.
• Don’t say exactly what you mean.
• Avoid the drama! Don’t let him know when you’re upset.
• Don’t laugh too hard at his jokes.
• Never eat in front of him.
Crap. I eat in front of Tristan like every day! They should really teach this stuff in school. It’s so much more valuable than chemistry. This is like life chemistry.
Now that I have the rules to live by, this day is going to be a piece of cake.
I drop the phone in my schoolbag and prance into the shower.
Ten minutes later, I’m back in front of my closet, staring down my wardrobe choices.
Girl Commandment #2: Thou shall always look feminine and refined on a date.
The book says that boys like when girls look like girls. It reminds them of their own masculinity and their place in the relationship.
I search the Web for some inspiration and finally decide on a pink lace knee-length dress that my mom bought me two years ago but I’ve never worn because I always thought it was too girly, and pair it with a belt. Then I style my hair into soft, feminine waves. For my makeup, I choose a palette of pinks and warm earth tones.
I finish off the outfit with a gold heart-shaped pendant around my neck.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I have to admit I look pretty dang good. I don’t think Tristan has ever seen me like this before. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen me like this before.
7:47 a.m.
“Good morning, beautiful family!” I say a few minutes later as I float into the kitchen like a summer breeze.
My brand-new self comes as such a surprise to everyone, I actually manage to halt the circus mid-act. My dad looks up from his iPad, my mom looks up from her cabinet door banging, and my sister puts her book down on the counter.
“Wow,” Hadley says. “I guess that means