after birds. “Wanna help me out for a second?” She holds Starling out to me.
“Sure,” I say, taking the baby. “What’s up, little cutie?” I ask as I nuzzle her nose. Her gummy smile brightens my whole life. I miss having babies around. Both Five and Kate were very small when I moved in with Ford and Ashleigh. Five was a newborn and Ashleigh was glad to have help since Kate had just turned one.
Rook goes off to help Sparrow open her presents, and I take my attention back to Ronnie. “When Five said Sparrow was having a biker theme, I thought he was kidding.”
“Don’t ask. But these girls are crazy for tattoos and bikes right now. I blame Spencer. He made mini-Shrike Trikes for them, and they think they’re in a motorcycle club now.”
“Oh my God. I might die.”
“They want patches and leather jackets. And Rory asked me for Frye boots like mine.”
I’m smiling so big as I picture this pack of princesses dressed up like Spencer. “Does their club have a name?”
Ronnie rolls her eyes. “Spencer calls them the Shrike Sisters.”
“Damn, I miss all the good stuff living so far away. I should move home.”
“Home?” Ronnie stops her face-painting and looks up at me. “What about school?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I’m not cut out for school.”
“No? Well, you should talk to Rook. Remember when she dropped out?”
“Yeah, and it all worked out for her. She won that indie film festival prize three times now.”
“Yeah, so you know, if you want to dig dinosaur bones—”
“What if I don’t want to dig dinosaur bones?”
“What?” Ronnie is really confused now. “But that’s always been your dream.”
“I know, but don’t you think it’s a little childish? I mean, what kind of job is that?”
“It’s not a job, Sasha,” she says, going back to her face-painting. “It’s your passion.”
“I guess.”
She looks up at me again, her brush in mid-stroke, painting flames up the side of the little girl’s cheek. “Unless you’re just over it? Like me. I always wanted to be an artist. I used to think I was above tattoos and lament about how all I wanted was to be taken seriously as an artist. But you know what my passion is?”
“What?”
“Being a mom.” She smiles down at the girl as she finishes her design. “OK, Jenny, you’re done. Go watch Sparrow open presents.” Little Jenny, who must be a new friend because I’ve never seen her before, jumps up and runs off squealing for the other girls to look at her face. “And don’t touch it,” Ronnie calls, “or you’ll smear it all over!” She stands up and walks over to the sink to wash her hands. “Yeah, I wanted to be an artist, but this shit is just fun, Sasha. I mean it. This party is not even for my kid and I couldn’t do enough to help Rook plan for it. I always wanted to be Spencer’s wife, but I had no idea how much joy having his children would be.”
“Wow.”
“You’re not like me though, I know that. So if you’re thinking you’d like a different career, then go for it. You can change your mind any time you want, Sash. You’re so young.”
“I’m the same age you were when you got pregnant with Rory, though.”
“So? You can’t live your life on someone else’s timeline. Find your passion, like I did. And then give it all you’ve got.”
I nod, but then Rory and her three other girls are yelling for her to come watch as Sparrow opens her presents. Rook and Ronnie have been friends forever, it seems. They are raising their kids together as a team. Ashleigh too. But Ash and Ford are their own best friends. They mostly hang out together.
I want all of that. I want a guy like Ford and friends like Ash, and Rook, and Ronnie. And when I get out my checklist for happiness, I have none of those boxes ticked off.
I watch the presents being opened, then the singing, and the cake. But it’s too much for me today. It’s too much to sit here and take in all the things I don’t have. It’s heartbreaking to realize that I’m twenty-four years old and I have nothing to show for it but a long list of could’ve-beens and failures.
So I kiss all the Shrike Sisters, and hug their mommies, and get back in my crappy rental car so I can go spend the night alone at my parents’ house.
I drive slow