stand in front of a room of reporters and policemen, I feel as though I could shatter at any moment.
“Do you need anything?” Ben asks in a low voice as we’re filed into the conference room at the police station to address the press.
“Just hold me. I don’t think I can face this without you.”
His arm is a steel band around my waist. “Don’t worry,” he says, “you won’t have to.”
The sensible black dress Sofie picked out for me clings to my sweat-slicked skin. Not even the slowly whirring fan stirs the thick, muggy air and even though we’re inside, I can smell the coming rain. I concentrate on the sticky feeling of the dress against my flesh, the heat from the camera lights that glare into my eyes, and the pregnant, gray clouds that threaten to burst outside the window. Anything but the real reason why we’re here. Doing so will cause me to break—again—and there’s only so much I can do to hold myself together at this point. The distraction and Ben’s closeness are the only things keeping me together.
I note the familiar faces in the crowd. Jack and Sofie stand front and center. He has his arms around her and is murmuring something in her ear. A surprising sight considering the two of them still can’t stand to be around each other for more than ten minutes at a time. They look good together, like they fit. She leans into him and he holds her steady, and I wonder if maybe there’s hope for them, at least.
Logan is there, too, dressed in his police uniform and scowling magnificently. Beneath his stoic façade, I sense an inner turmoil. I know he blames himself, and I want to tell him that none of this is his fault. There’s no way he could have known any of this would happen. But the words would feel false, because like him, I also blame myself.
My stomach churns as my mind wanders. No matter how much I try to pretend otherwise, this is really happening, but I don’t want to acknowledge it. My brain simply can’t compute that he’s gone. My baby is missing, and I’m helpless. Completely and utterly helpless. There’s a room full of people to attest to the fact that someone broke into the sanctity of my life—again—and threatened my son. Except this time, they were successful.
Beside me, I can feel the tension rolling off Ben in waves. Anyone that doesn’t really know him wouldn’t be able to tell from the outside, but I can see the ghosts in his eyes. The shadows of despair shimmer in their depths and if I weren’t numb from the anxiety medication I had been forced to take, the sight of Ben so shuttered and closed-off again would have brought me to my knees. If I could feel anything, it would be the insidious, sucking pit that is sorrow.
“Only a few more minutes,” he murmurs.
I stare at the police chief as he updates the public on the atrocities committed against my family. He entreats anyone with any knowledge of my baby boy’s whereabouts to come forward and directs the viewing public to a tip line and anonymous website, one I’ve already had Sofie hack and monitor. He ends with a plea to those on social media to share Cole’s photo and information. My heart calls out to every mother in that moment. Every mother who’s ever worried about losing a child—I hope they see this, and I hope they have it in their hearts to spread the word and help me find my baby.
We had so little time together. I glance at Ben, who is still staring into the camera as if to challenge it and everyone watching to defy the chief’s orders. Ben especially has had so little time with Cole. Because of me. I wipe away the traitorous trail of grief from my cheeks. Maybe this is what I deserve for not trying harder. My penance for being a horrible person. I deserve this, but not Ben. Not a man who has spent the last decade of his life fighting for his country, sacrificing his time, mental health and future for something greater than himself. If nothing else, I deserve this pain for lying to Ben and stealing away the precious time that was rightfully his.
I didn’t want to give the kidnapper the satisfaction of seeing my tears, but I had been instructed by the negotiators that it was important to make