at work I think people stare at me, bringing their fingers over their mouths to contain the snigger. No, they’re not. I’m being paranoid. Why would they do that? A group of students from my third year class, six or seven of them, walk up towards me and I’m convinced they’re staring right at me with narrowed eyes and barely suppressed sneers. One of them bumps into my shoulder.
I don’t feel well. I walk into my office and close the door. I take the necklace out of my pocket, hold it loosely, twirling it between my fingers. I can still feel the thumping of my heart as I realized what it was earlier, when I was kissing Luis goodbye. I immediately shoved it back in my pocket and put my other hand behind his neck. Just the thought that he might have seen it sends spasms of horror through me.
I don’t remember how it got there but there’s no mistaking the fact that it fit exactly in the red welts on the inside of my left hand. As if I’d grabbed it and pulled hard, so hard that it almost broke the skin.
“I thought this might help.”
I snap my head up and in one quick motion I’ve opened my drawer, dropped the necklace into it and slammed it shut. June blinks in surprise.
“Sorry, you gave me a fright,” I say, laughing. She’s brought me the usual cookies and a cup of coffee. I glance at my own takeout cup. She follows my gaze.
“Oh, well, you look like you need two of those anyway.” She smiles, puts down her offerings on my desk and takes her usual chair. “You okay?”
I rub my hand on my forehead. “I’ve had better days.”
“I’m not surprised. You were on quite a mission last night.”
“What does that mean?”
She laughs. “You were knocking them back, that’s what it means.”
“Oh, yeah, that sounds about right.” I press my fingers against my eyes. “Thanks for covering up for me with Luis.”
She waves a hand. “That’s all right. It’s what friends are for! What did you do, anyway?”
“Nothing, why would you ask that?”
I must have said it more abruptly than I’d intended because she recoils slightly. “No reason. I just thought you might have…” She shakes her head.
“Might have what?” I snap.
“Relax! I thought you might have been with some guy, that’s all. You told me you were in a bar, you didn’t know where exactly. You said you’d done something bad and you didn’t want to go home yet.” She laughs again, but I wince and my heart misses a beat or two.
“God, no. Just like you said, I got drunk, June, no big deal. I’m paying for it.” I laugh. I could tell her, I went to see Isabelle and we had a big fight. But my old friend, the old feeling of doom, gives my stomach a sharp twist. I take a sip of the coffee, try to laugh but end up coughing and sending splatters all over my computer screen.
“So if it wasn’t a guy, what was it? What did you do that was really bad?” She smiles, arms crossed over her chest.
“Nothing,” I say, too quickly, wiping my monitor with the edge of my sleeve pulled over my hand. I laugh, a cackle of noise. “I just wanted a night out by myself! I’d had a pretty rough day. I was upset about Ryan, you know that. I can’t tell Luis about Ryan. I just ended up… Okay, fine, I drank too much. What are you going to do, arrest me?”
She tilts her head at me. “Oh, okay. We don’t have to keep talking about this if you don’t want to. I should go, we both have work to do.” She gets up.
“Thank you, June, for covering for me. I mean that. I owe you one.”
“That’s okay,” she says. “It’s what friends are for, right?”
It’s the first of two final year math exams for freshmen. I walk down the middle of the room and pass out the papers, then I sit at the front desk and spend two hours trying not to think.
When it’s over, I gather the tests and take them back to my office. June pops her head in asking if I want to go to lunch. I tell her I’m busy, but thank you. I point at the pile of exams and mutter something about having lunch at my desk. “Thank you very much, June,” I say again, because I just don’t