the times he despaired and wanted me to hold him until it passed, the times he would sob on my shoulder like a child while I whispered soothing words to him. He told me once that I was much nicer than his own mother.
Thinking back on it in this moment, I realize something I didn’t want to confront then, but I may have to now. Alex is unhinged.
I think of that night when I called him at almost midnight. I woke him up and he was annoyed because it was the first time in weeks that he’d had a few hours’ uninterrupted sleep. Until I called, that is. But I’d had that sliver of an idea and it was enough for him to get unstuck. It was the final, missing piece of the puzzle. We had the solution.
I put all this to him now, through clenched teeth. “You don’t remember that? Really, Alex?”
He smiles from one side of his mouth. The arrogance dripping from his sneer makes me want to slap him.
“Do you honestly believe you made that much difference? You’re not that good, Anna. It’s you who is trying to ride on my coattails here, not the other way around. And, anyway, I told you. I’ve thought long and hard about it over the last few weeks, and—”
“Weeks? You’ve been letting me do all this work on the paper for the last few weeks?”
He shrugs. “So? Give me an invoice.”
“Alex! What are you saying? You can’t do this!”
“Get over yourself. I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to your career, even without your name as co-author. You were my advisor. You’ll get lots of accolades from that. And your precious university will get its reward, just because I was your PhD student.”
“Don’t do this. You know it’s not fair.”
“Life isn’t fair. Get used to it.”
I laugh. “I’m finding that out.” But then I see his face and I don’t know whether to punch him or beg him. I take a closer look at him. His trembling hands. The spittle in the corners of his mouth. The dilated pupils. His skin so pale it’s almost blue. “Have you been sleeping?” I ask, more gently.
He snorts. “I can sleep when this is done.”
I cock my head at him. “What did you take, Alex?” I reach out to touch him and he jerks backwards. “I think I should call someone. We can discuss all that stuff later, but I think you need help. Have you seen your parents recently?”
“Shut up.” He starts to rub his forehead over and over.
I move around the table toward him. I just want to hug him. Hold him tight until this passes. “I’m worried about you.”
“No, you’re not. Stay away from me!”
“It’s okay.” But his nose has started to bleed. “Honey, please. Look at me. I’m not moving. I’m right here, Alex. What’s wrong? I’m not going to hurt you, you know that.” But he’s backing against the window behind him, his eyes darting around as if searching for escape.
“I’ve said my piece and I want you to leave! Now!”
I have to call someone. I have to do it now. He needs an ambulance, but my bag and my phone are in the living room, so I keep talking, holding his gaze as I walk slowly to him. “You can publish alone, I don’t care. I really don’t. Come on, Alex, come and sit down with me.”
I extend my hand to him again but he just laughs.
I come closer. So close I can almost touch him.
He raises his arm over his face. “Leave me alone!”
For a horrible moment I think he’s afraid of me. Then in one motion he turns, pushes up the sash window and swings one leg out so that he is sitting astride the window sill, looking down. I scream for him to stop but he’s already slipped under the top sash and I am standing with my arms outstretched and a scream garbled in my throat.
“Alex!”
But Alex isn’t there anymore.
Five
It’s so strange, unreal, like a dream. He didn’t scream, or shout, or make a noise. He just disappeared.
I want to run to the window, but I can’t move. Black dots swirl in front of my eyes and I put one hand flat on the table to steady myself.
“Alex?”
After a moment I take a step, then another, until I’ve reached the window.
“Alex?” Slowly, I peer down, along the alley that borders the west side of the building. I can’t see him. I’m looking, but