I know I'm not the most… worldly, but I'm figuring it out.”
“You don't have to change for anyone, but I’m glad. Not that you’re paying for things, but that you're expanding who you think you are.”
“It was Ben’s idea."
My hands still on the clip at my waist. The past week I've been able to focus on work and the Vane wedding, plus make plans for going forward.
None of it made it easier spending Friday night without Ben, or the weekend that followed.
"The way you’ve been acting the last week is scaring me,” Lil comments as if reading my mind. “You barely say anything. You live at the office and in your room. I figured you'd at least want to talk about… something.”
"There's nothing to talk about. Ben needed a fake girlfriend for the month. The month is over, and so are we."
I work my way up the wall, even though part of me wants to punch it. Once I reach the top marker, I glance over my shoulder to tell Lil I’m coming down, but I’m so surprised by what I see that I let go anyway. The lead rope snaps taut.
"What are you doing here?" I call down.
"You skipped out on happy hour last week and we figured after the Vane rehearsal, you could use a break," Kendall supplies.
“So we brought happy hour to you." Rena holds out a flask.
I can't help snorting.
They release the lead rope a bit at a time as I work my way down the wall.
“Plus, it’s obvious you’ve been keeping something inside,” Kendall says as I reach the bottom.
“Tris didn’t text you?”
They exchange a look.
“Okay fine, Tris texted, too. But we waited a few days to see if you’d say something. Now, we’re intervening.”
My muscles tremble when my feet hit the floor. I brush my hands off on my pants. “Well, there’s no point hiding it. Ben and I broke up.”
Their faces fill with empathy.
"I'm so sorry," Kendall says.
"You don't understand. We weren't really together." My hands work on my gear as I explain how Ben needed a girlfriend, how it was easier to land Vane as a client by acting. “I apologize for pretending in front of you, but it seemed easier."
They don't look mad.
"Let's go talk," Rena says.
"I should get to work on an assignment," Lil says, but I grab her.
"Stay."
Her eyes brighten, and I wonder how much I've kept her out of the messier parts of my life for wanting her to see me as having everything together. As if her knowing the truth might mean she’d turn her back on me like Vi did.
The four of us take seats on the benches in the foyer of the gym.
Kendall says, "You realize the only people you were fooling were yourselves."
"You knew?"
"That you and Ben were crazy about each other?" Rena says. They exchange a look. "Yeah, it was obvious."
I pull my knees up to my chest. "I've cared about him for a long time, but I never thought he was into me. But sometime this month, that changed."
Ben saw me, wanted me, and for the first time, I knew it was real. I could picture a future with him as more than the naive dream of an infatuated college kid dealing with questions about life and abandonment and identity.
My chest tightens at the memory of the gala. "It's been a rough week. I learned that Vane's not going with Closer for his resort business, so I've been trying to get that back on track too."
"You will," Kendall says.
"And we'll help," Rena adds.
"Me too." We turn toward Lil, who shrugs. "Come on, you guys must need some economic models or something?"
Their support loosens the tightness in my gut, the weight that feels as if it’s been lodged there all week.
“To be fair, the guy’s name is Dick Vane.” Rena crisply enunciates each syllable. “We should’ve known he had a douche streak.”
Lily laughs, Kendall shakes her head and even I can’t stop the smile. “That’s true.”
"You're a badass. We love you. We look to you. We want the best for you," Rena says firmly.
A tiny sliver of hope edges in. Maybe there’s something good on the other side of this.
"And Ben loves you too,” Kendall says. “He's not running from you; he's running from the feeling."
I glance toward a group of climbers heading past us for the gym.
"Thank you guys,” I say. “There's something I need to do."
I go home and pull out the postcard.
It's minutes or hours before I write a response.
Vi,
Do