person to experience love. That it’s not a transaction, but a way of being that you can feel anytime you want to.”
His heavy gaze lingers on me as our food comes: caprese salad for me and a steak for him. We eat and talk about everything from work to our families to movie and music.
On the way out, he cuts me a look. “I never want to lose what we have. And I meant what I said. I want to be there for you this month.”
The one thing I want you to give me is something you don’t want to give.
“What would you want your boyfriend to do?”
I sigh. “Make me baths. Bring me dinner when I’m stressed. To believe in me, when people are watching, but mostly when they’re not. When I’m great, and when I’m just me.”
“You’re always great. Especially when you’re just you.”
He threads his fingers through mine, and I don’t know if it’s him practicing, or because he thinks I want him to, or because he wants to.
The backs of my eyes burn, lights blurring in front of me as we amble down the street. I blink and focus on the intersection ahead.
“If I had a girlfriend," he says, even though I didn't ask, "we’d have inside jokes. She’d call me on my shit. But she’d also smile when I’m grumpy, like it’s cute and not infuriating. She’d know me better than anyone. She’d be the light to my dark. I could tell her anything, trust her with everything.”
The words hang between us, a bubble I don’t want to break.
“I could have a car take you home," he says at last once we reach the outside of my office building. "Wait for you to go up and get your things.”
“Thanks, but I have some more work to do first.”
“In that case, I’ll see you at your place for Fortnite.”
“I’m going to the Vineyard,” I remind him. “But we can still play after I finish work.”
In the darkness, he looks disappointed or irritated, maybe both. "I could go with you, if you want backup."
Offering to spend a weekend with anyone other than his work and clients is so unlike him. And spending an entire weekend with him, sharing a room, acting like we're head over heels… I don’t know how I’d stay sane.
I try to stay grateful for what we have, our friendship.
But I want all of him, the parts he shares and the ones he keeps private.
“You showed up for me with Xavier,” he goes on, oblivious to my debate, “and part of the appeal for you was helping your case by showing Vane we're dating. I'll be your trophy boyfriend. Hold your drinks and golf clubs."
The idea of Ben standing on the sidelines of anything has me laughing.
But I want it. So much.
“Well, if I’m going to survive Martha’s Vineyard, I suppose I could use Jet,” I say.
“Jet.” He steps closer, the sudden heat of his body making my breath catch. “I’m much better company than a dog.”
“Sometimes you are a dog.”
He grins. “Damn straight. Now ask me.”
He's commanding again, the vulnerability from earlier gone. The way he’s looking at me, the way he makes me feel as though he’s my family even though he doesn’t have to be, has my heart hammering and every part of me wanting more, no matter what the consequences.
And there would be consequences. Because if we play out the attraction I’m starting to think isn’t all in my head, having him wake up and realize I’m not what he wants would destroy me.
My inhale is steady, deliberate. “Come to Martha’s Vineyard for the weekend. I can promise rich people and lots of acting. You’ll also need black tie for one night.”
Ben strokes his thumb down my jaw. “My tux and I are at your service.”
12
I’m in physical pain.
In the most relaxing, charming place within two hours of Manhattan, my ribs are squeezing my organs so hard they might pop.
“Is it possible to add a second bed?” I ask the woman working at the front desk of the Vanes’ hotel, my voice deliberately low so we’re not overheard.
“I’m sorry, your reservation has a king suite listed and we’re full. I could inquire about moving some of the other guests…”
“No, it’s fine. Thank you.”
This morning, Ben and I took the boat to the Vineyard. It’s charming network of farms and cottages. It’s easy to be fooled into forgetting the understated country scenery is a playground for the ultra rich and famous