gave them a dumb answer that I liked to read and watch movies.
After dinner, we all retired to their sunporch. They turned the lights off and then Madeline and Nadine went out in the yard to collect fireflies. I knew about fireflies but I couldn’t ever remember seeing them in real life. At least not like this. They lit up the night, there were so many of them.
This world was so different from the one I knew. Most child stars who transitioned into adult stars never really had what might be considered a normal life. Especially if they had famous parents. But as I sat here with Madeline’s family, I realized that she had the ultimate in normal when she left the business at eleven. But more than just normal, she had a childhood filled with love and support. These were all really good people. As I watched the love and respect that flowed between them, I began to feel unworthy of them. After all, I was the man who only called his parents because he felt obliged to, not because he wanted to. I was the man whose parents were dismissive and disappointed in him. So clearly there was something wrong with me that made me unworthy of all these people. And especially unworthy of Madeline.
Coming up here had been a spur-of-the-moment decision. I hadn’t thought through what would happen beyond today or beyond the time we were working together. Was I being selfish asking her to risk her reputation and give herself to me, when I wasn’t a man who could give her more? Who could give her all this?
Living In The Moment
Madeline
When Theo and I first arrived back at the house for dinner, I was a bundle of nerves. I was nervous about what Nadine and my grandparents would think about having Theo there. And I was nervous about what Theo would think of my family. Underneath all that was the nerves about what I agreed to do with Theo. I had agreed to a clandestine relationship with him. While it was sort of exciting to think about sneaking around to be with him, it also suggested that it was wrong, and that didn't sit very well with me.
He said he’d reached the point where he didn’t care what people said about him anymore, but it was easier for him. He was already well-established and well-respected. I suspected he could do almost anything wrong and still the fans would love him.
But I was making a comeback. Being with Theo would leave me vulnerable to being perceived as sleeping with him to work my way back into the industry. I could see the tabloids talking about how a once-wholesome kid was now sleeping her way back to the top. The fans I did have from when I was a kid, wouldn’t like that. I couldn’t afford to have that type of publicity.
At the same time, I couldn’t say no to him. The truth was I missed him and wanted to be with him as well. And so I agreed, although I wasn’t sure what I’d agreed to, beyond spending time with him. As we sat on the banks of the pond to talk, we didn’t discuss how this relationship, or whatever it was, would work. There were no words that suggested this could be something more than just two people who were attracted to each other and spending time together. There was a part of me that was bothered by that and at the same time when it came to Theo, I would take whatever I could get. That made me feel a little pathetic and desperate. At the same time, I knew it had taken a lot for him to come up here to see me. He’d felt a little vulnerable too. What a pair we were making.
During dinner, I was reminded how wonderful my family was. They took him in and accepted him, showing an interest in him as a person, and not a celebrity. Of course, with my parents and then me, they didn’t care much about celebrity. My grandparents had been around enough showbiz people to know that that wasn’t really what made a person.
I was surprised at how uncomfortable Theo looked when they asked about him and his family. But then I remembered how vague and evasive he’d been with me when I asked about his family, and it made me wonder if his childhood hadn’t been as wonderful as mine. If that