paused. “You’ve been carrying that around this whole time?”
It was on the tip of his tongue to deny it, but what was the point? It wasn’t as though she would think less of him. If anything, she would think more. “Yes.”
“Oh,” she exclaimed. “That is so sweet!”
He glowered. “I am not sweet.”
“So you keep on saying, and yet—” She gestured toward him as she let out a tiny giggle.
“Fine, I’m sweet,” he replied with an exasperated sigh. “But I was thinking . . .”
“Yes?”
“I recall my mother liking flowers, too.” His throat got thick at the memory—his mother outside with him, picking flowers while he played. “I want to know more about them.”
Her expression softened. “You want to know more about your mother. Why don’t you contact her? It’d be easier than making a study of botany.”
“I don’t know if I can. I don’t—”
She put her hand on his arm. “You’re you, Ignatius. You can do anything.”
Her brown eyes held a warmth that made him want to—well, he didn’t know, since he’d never felt this way before. “Thank you.”
She smiled as she leaned up to kiss him on the cheek. “You’re welcome.” He felt bereft when she withdrew—when had her presence started to mean so much to him?
“But we should get to self-defense training, since except for one time all we seem to do is—” she gestured toward them, her warm smile now curving into something decidedly more wicked. “And that one time was only because Finan was here.”
“You make a good point, my lady.”
Her nose wrinkled. “Ana Maria, please.”
He bowed. “Ana Maria, but only for while we are here. If I can’t teach you how to properly disarm a man bent on hurting you, I won’t have done my job. And since I am the man in the room at the moment, you likely will hurt me.”
Her face softened. “Which I will feel terrible about, but it is far better to hurt a friend than to fail at hurting an enemy.”
A friend. Were they friends? They were nearly family, because of how Nash felt about Sebastian, and by extension his older sister, who was about his own age. But actual, true friends?
Had he ever been friends with a woman before?
Well, he could answer that, since he had never been friends with anyone but Sebastian, Thaddeus, and Finan before.
She must have read his expression. “We are friends, are we not?” Her tone was earnest, and he felt something twist inside. “That’s what I said to Sebastian and Thaddeus when I was railing at them.”
He wished he had seen her ire. He loved how passionate she became.
He nodded. “Yes. Friends who have done more than what friends do, but yes, friends.”
Now her smile was nearly blinding. It was so full of warmth and trust and happiness. Had he ever been that combination of things before?
No, because he had endeavored to do the opposite—keep everyone away from his heart except those he knew were strong enough to withstand him.
Mute his life into a series of grays so that he would never feel the vividness of anything, because that kind of strong emotion would inevitably lead to an outburst of violence.
That was truly a lowering thought.
He’d always assumed he was relatively content—if not happy. But seeing her joy, watching as her expressions shifted from delight to concern to anger to caring in just a matter of moments, made him envious. His moods, if he were being honest, were usually grumpy and not quite as grumpy. Others might say he was frequently grumpiest, but they had never seen him release all of his roiling emotions, so they didn’t know just how grumpy, just how furious, he could be.
Did he even know?
He’d kept himself in check for so long he didn’t know which emotions were actually his, and which were pale imitations of what he allowed himself.
“Nash?”
“Mm.”
She looked hesitant, and he braced himself for what she might say, even though she had just said they were friends, and smiled because of it. He was an idiot.
“I want to do all this,” she said, gesturing to the room, “but I’d also like to do those other things.” Her cheeks turned even pinker. “If we could agree it means nothing beyond lessons. We know we cannot marry.”
That last bit was said so firmly it made Nash want to ask why not? Which would be the stupidest thing he could say, given the current situation. And how Sebastian and Thaddeus felt.
“But I want to do those things with