I’m currently writing.
Most of the early birds are women, which is typical of spiritual retreats. Women tend to be deeper thinkers than men, deeper feelers than men, and often seek solace from within, while men search for happiness outside themselves, usually alcohol, drugs, sports, cars, gambling, women.
My mind touches on Xavier again, but I force the thought away. Before I make it to Laiyla and Levi where they stand with KT, Ben, and Ben’s kids, Violet, Poppy, and Jazz, someone recognizes me and rushes over.
“Oh, Ms. Hart.” The woman is in her fifties, gaze open and warm. “I wanted to tell you that your book has brought me so much peace.”
Before I can respond, two more women closer to my age join us. They also sing my praises, and I sign the copies of my book they brought from home. I thank them for their kindness and tell them I hope to see them in yoga and meditation classes.
When I reach my friends, they’re grinning. KT is holding Jazz, Ben’s youngest daughter, and uses her free hand to lick her index finger, then pretends to touch me with a sizzling sound. The others laugh.
“Hi, Chloe,” Jazz says.
I touch her sweet round pink cheek. “Hi, beautiful baby.” Then I look at Poppy and Violet. “Hello, beautiful girls.”
“Hi,” they say together, their grins big and happy.
I love these girls so much. KT and Ben leave on their first sailing journey in August, after Laiyla and Levi’s wedding, and I’m going to miss them all so badly.
“Kat,” Jazz says, “I’m hungry.”
“Come on, girls,” Ben says, taking Jazz from KT. “Let’s go see what’s on the menu.”
I rub my hands together and look around at all the friendly faces.
“So, you do get nervous,” Laiyla says.
“Nope,” I say with mock enthusiasm. “This is excitement.”
That makes KT, Laiyla, and Levi laugh.
“Have you seen Shannon?” I ask, scanning the group for a man, one of only three who are attending.
“I think he checked in a little earlier,” Laiyla says. “He may still be settling in.”
I nod and glance toward the parking lot, looking for Xavier. His sarcastic teasing and tales from work are always entertaining and would help soothe the buzz that’s feeling more like nerves than excitement right now.
While the others chat about needs and plans at the resort, I check in with myself, searching for the source of the discomfort. I can’t nail it down, but it doesn’t feel like it’s coming from within me. It feels like it’s being projected onto me from something external, which I don’t understand. Everyone on this deck is smiling. The atmosphere is relaxed and upbeat.
“You’re doing it again,” KT says.
“What?” I refocus on her. “Doing what?”
“Your mind goes somewhere without your body. You should really zip-tie those suckers together, or you may lose one.”
“Ha.” I force my attention back to the group. “I’m just—”
“Excited,” Laiyla and KT say at the same time. “We know.”
Laiyla looks past my shoulder. “This might be Shannon.”
I turn to scan the crowd and instantly find the man she’s talking about. His back is to me, and he’s surrounded by women. His head is bent, his attention focused on something in his hands. Then he offers a book to one of the retreat attendees and takes one from another.
I turn and wait for a moment to approach. He finishes signing a book and hands it back to one of the women. Something about him plucks a familiar chord inside me, but I can’t pinpoint what.
Then he shifts his stance, and I catch his profile. An ice bomb of panic explodes in my gut and I pull in a sharp breath.
What the… No. No, no, no. It can’t be.
Denial hits like a brick wall. But he turns, facing someone else and giving me a clear look at his face. It's not Shannon.
It's Bodhi.
My heart flutters, and a flicker of real excitement warms my chest. But that only lasts a second. Maybe even a split second. And when everything hits—all the hurt, all the loneliness, all the loss, all the humiliation—ice burns through my gut. My breathing hitches. My vision hazes around the edges.
I turn my back on him, but I’m frozen in place. I’m so not prepared for this, and my mind has been shocked numb.
“Chloe?” KT’s talking to me, but her voice sounds far away. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
I feel Bodhi come up beside me. I feel him like I’ve always been able to feel him, like we’re physically connected. In that instant, when he’s