he helped me see my own ordinary meatball hero’s journey clearly, and because he’s the only person in the world who really gets it (every single word gets it) and because he told me that Mary A. was like my Yoda. And he was right.
To Azalea, who has transformed into a tremendous—whip-smart and hilarious—teenager even amid the irony of missing out on a mom who was so often gone, locked up in her study, or off somewhere in an Airbnb or bed-and-breakfast writing a book about attachment. On her thirteenth birthday, I asked her if she wanted to read the parts of the book about her and about us and she said, “Maybe later.” I thank her for being too busy to be bothered, and for being the kind of person who I believe will forgive me when she does read it—for what I got wrong about her, and for what I got right about myself.
To my truly excellent informant mother, Libby Saltman, for withstanding the discomfort of reading about herself through my evolving and critical eyes—for setting the bar on love that high. For generating generational love, even over FaceTime and text. And for not asking for progress reports or details when I know she was dying to know, and for all the speakerphone calls from my car, which I know annoy the heck out of her. But for which she always says she’s grateful. And because I believe her. And she, of all people, knows what it takes to convince me.
questions for discussion
Having her own daughter changed the way Bethany sees her mother and their relationship. If you’re a parent, how has having a child affected your relationship with your parents?
What was it like for you to read about Bethany’s struggles as a new mother? Did you identify with her or Azalea?
When Bethany started writing about her mother, what did you think of her? Did your opinion of her mother change? If so, what did that shift tell you about what it means to be “securely attached”?
In the Prologue, Bethany writes, “Anguish turns to love. Separation becomes connection. Without the pain of aloneness, I never would have discovered the depth of my relatedness.” What does she mean by that? How can you relate to this experience of anguish and separation in your own life?
What do you think about the Strange Situation itself? Do you believe it can in fact show something so important about a relationship in just twenty minutes? Would you ever want you or your child to experience the Strange Situation in a lab?
Bethany experienced her childhood and teenage years as very lonely and challenging, and even describes herself as having been a delinquent. After reading the book, how do you see her childhood, especially her relationship with her mom?
How has reading this book changed the way you see your parents, and your children, if you have them?
Bethany writes, “This is the telltale heart of attachment. No matter what secure adults have been through, they are governed by a trust in the importance of love in their life. Even when it hurts.” What does this mean? And how is this different for insecure/dismissing or insecure/preoccupied adults?
Before reading Strange Situation, had you heard of Dr. William Sears and his attachment parenting philosophy? How has your opinion of his books and attachment parenting changed?
How do you think Azalea might feel about how she is represented in the book—now, as a teenager, and as she grows up and has her own children?
Mary Ainsworth never got to be a mother in her own life. Near the end of the book, Bethany writes, “As sad as I am for her, I must confess that I’m grateful, too. Had she been a mother herself, I doubt she would have had the heart