she can respond, “but now that I think about it, maybe I was. I told you it was dumb.”
“Oh, Hon. It’s not dumb. It’s just life. God, if you knew my feelings, you’d understand the real meaning of dumb. Don’t worry. I get it. And I’m sorry you had to go through all of that.”
“It’s okay,” I breathe out heavily, as if I’ve been holding it for the past four years.
She smiles and holds out her arms to hug me. So much hugging lately. I roll my eyes and move into her embrace. It feels so stupid. Like some stupid Christian TV family drama. After a few seconds she pulls away. “So you’re cured, then? No more charges? Fights? A’s in school from now on?” She laughs and playfully pushes my shoulder.
“Ha ha,” I say, and push her back, just a little harder. “What do you think of these?” I ask, turning around and pushing my bum out to show her the cargo pants.
“Perfect.”
And it’s like nothing and everything has changed between us.
Sixty-Two
As much as you might want to leave your life, just step out of it for a while and hide, it finds you. It sneaks through the window, over the phone, or even walks straight in the front door.
I’m watching the old show Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer when Giovanni opens the apartment door and enters the living room. I’m wearing a tank top with no bra and my short shorts because the building’s heat is so friggin’ strong that we have to keep our windows open in the middle of winter. Seeing Giovanni is my biggest nightmare. I’ve managed to avoid him until now. The sight of him makes me sick. I think he feels the same, because when he sees me, he stops and stares wide-eyed, like he’s shocked I’m here.
“Where’s Janet?” he asks.
“Out.”
He pauses, like he’s considering whether to say something to me or not. Like he’s thinking about fucking me. And I get scared. My stomach churns. I can’t breathe. I instinctively reach for the blanket to cover up my body, but then I stop myself ’cause I don’t want him to think I’m scared. And if what happened between us before is what saved us from getting evicted, then I’d have no choice but to do it again.
He picks up our pile of mail on the table beside him and looks through it, like he’s really interested in it. But I can tell he’s just killing time. Building courage. I try to watch the TV, but I can’t. The tension is too much. I want to get it over with.
“So, you want to do it?” I ask. I don’t know why I said it. ’Cause he expects it? ’Cause I don’t want us to lose the apartment? It’s like the words just ran out of my mouth. Suddenly I’m not Melissa. Suddenly I’m some other person who’ll do whatever she must to get what she needs. I reach up behind my head. I try to look sexy, as sexy as possible without throwing up. I do this and I just don’t know why.
His mouth drops. He looks angry. Then he looks away. I’m surprised. Something’s wrong. I sit up a bit and grab the blanket to cover myself. He looks over his shoulder, as if checking to make sure no one is around, then slowly approaches.
I get nervous. He looks too serious. My heart beats a million times a minute. I feel like I need to put something between us, block him. With what? Words? “Thanks for helping my mom,” I blurt out, referring to him not throwing us out.
He stops a few feet away and sits down on the coffee table. I relax a bit. He puts his hands on his knees and sighs deeply. “Melissa. This is a terrible situation. I feel awful about it.You’re a young woman. My niece’s age. I don’t know what happened.”
I avert my eyes from his now gentle stare. “I was messed up on drugs. I barely even remember,” I say.
“You’re sixteen?”
I nod my head, suddenly feeling like a child and not the sexy woman I thought he wanted to fuck. I don’t know what to say. I feel totally embarrassed now. I pull the blanket up to my chin. Then I bring my hand up to cover my eyes, because I just want him to disappear. I think of what Eric told me, about experiences being like seeds planted inside you. Maybe my plan of recording