in there. We’ll go to the common washroom for the first shower. Ms. Sullivan, I’ll show you the nurses’ station where you can get the papers, so it’s probably good that you say goodbye now until tomorrow.”
My mom looks at me all sympathetic, and approaches like she’s going to hug me. “Call me if you need anything,” she says. I keep my gaze down, let her hold me but don’t hug back. Instead, I just turn to follow Alexis to the shower room.
There are three shower stalls in the washroom, with strange dwarf curtains that only rise waist high. I wait for her to go, but she just stands there. “Sorry, I need to be here. We want to make sure you haven’t brought anything in with you. I know it’s uncomfortable. I won’t stand and stare, but I do have to be present.”
Whatever. So I undress and get in the shower. I’m given some liquid soap and shampoo, and I turn my back so I can hide at least half of me. And I should probably care more, but I don’t really. I just shower and wash and turn off the faucet and dry off with a towel and put on the ugly thin yellow gown that has no drawstrings ’cause apparently I’d hang myself with those too. It’s huge and drapes off my shoulders.
The girl passes me my underwear after she inspects them in front of me. “My bra?” I ask, holding out my hand.
“Sorry, I can’t give it to you. It’s underwire. You need to ask your mom for a sports bra or tank top with support.”
Whatever. I walk past her, my feet still wet against the cold concrete floor. “Here!” She passes me paper booties that I obediently slip on. Then I follow her back to my room, get into my bed and under the sheet. I look outside. It’s already dark and it’s only about six P.M. I hate winter. I see a light turn off in the office window across the street. Then I stare up at the ceiling. Eyes open, but seeing nothing.
The girl appears beside my bed. “Lights go off at 9:45. You’re on ‘constant,’ which means constant watch. That means we need to watch you at all times to make sure you’re safe—whether you’re in your room, in the washroom, or in the common room. It feels a little awkward for both of us, but we have to do it. If you want some privacy, just let me know and I’ll stay at the door. My name is Alexis, in case you don’t remember.”
I look over at her when she’s finished talking, but I don’t say anything because really, there is nothing in my head to say.
“So. Do you want time alone or do you want some company? We could play cards or something.”
“I don’t care.”
“Or we could listen to music?”
“It doesn’t matter. You choose.”
“No, you make the choice, Melissa. What would you like?”
“Whatever. It really doesn’t matter.”
She smiles. “Okay. I’ll leave you alone. I’ll just be outside if you change your mind.” She walks out to the doorway and sits down on a chair. I stare at her a minute longer, wondering if she’ll be sitting like that all night.
I stare back up at the ceiling. My eyelids click when I blink, like those plastic baby dolls with glassy eyes and frozen faces. I feel stoned. My head is cloudy and it’s hard to focus on any one thought. I fall in and out of sleep for some time.
Click. Clack. Click.
The fluorescent light flickers off. I don’t know if Alexis turned it off or if it just goes off automatically. I lie awake for a long time. The announcements blare through the loudspeaker in my room. So and so to come to the nurses’ desk. Something something about line two. Code red, blue, purple, whatever.
I half sleep all night. Part of me, my body, tosses and turns under the tightly tucked-in sheets. The other part, my mind, sits all night on the edge of the bed, rocking back and forth, trying to squeeze out a thought as to how the hell I ended up here.
Fifty-Two
It’s like being dead. Don’t they get that? It’s like they give you exactly what you wanted before you came in here. They give you non-existence.
In this hollow bone of a room, I am rid of all responsibility. All contact. All choice. I have no voice or purpose throughout the day. Even my body isn’t mine.
I’m