to do.
Dulcie
* * *
From:
Thomas Huckleberry
To:
Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject:
Re: EMERGENCY!
* * *
Good grief, Dulcie! I thought something horrible had happened. Don’t ever scare me like that again.
What do you mean? We aren’t going to “do” anything. So Mom’s getting married again. What’s the big deal? They’re both mature adults, and Morris seems like a good guy. I’m happy for her. We’re going to be supportive and congratulate them.
Tom
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
Thomas Huckleberry
Subject:
Mom getting married
* * *
You’re a guy, Tom.
* * *
From:
Thomas Huckleberry
To:
Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject:
Re: Mom getting married
* * *
Thanks for clearing that up for me.
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
Thomas Huckleberry
Subject:
Re: Mom getting married
* * *
No! I mean, you don’t understand! Your mom can’t just run off with some guy. She hasn’t dated anyone in YEARS! She’s just infatuated with the first man who showed any interest in her since her divorce. Becky’s worried, too. After all, how much do we really know about Morris? He “seems” nice, but do we know for sure? She could be getting herself into a horrible mess. And such a rush! May, for goodness sake! She didn’t even ask us if that was a good time for us or anything. I’m afraid he’s manipulating her.
Dulcie
* * *
From:
Thomas Huckleberry
To:
Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject:
Re: Mom getting married
* * *
If the difference between being a guy or being a girl is the ability to look at this situation in a rational, reasonable manner, I am very glad to be a guy. Let it go, Dulcie. I’m sure everything will be just fine. And if not, Mom’s a big girl. She can take care of herself.
I’m going to be in meetings most of the afternoon. Don’t rupture a hernia, okay?
Love,
Tom
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
J. Huckleberry
Subject:
Just a few thoughts
* * *
Dear Mom,
Becky and I talked it over and we thought of some things you really should find out about Morris before you commit to marrying him. So we came up with a list:
1) Previous relationships. How many ex-wives? Late wives? Sometimes serial killers disguise themselves as lonely old widowers. We don’t want you to end up in sandwich baggies in his freezer.
2) History of mental illness? It usually skips a generation or two, so you’d better go back at least three or four. And check out all the relatives, too. Any creepy habits, like keeping fifty cats in the house or collecting antique butcher knives should be taken into consideration. You never know when something like that might crop up.
3) Financial stability. It would probably be best to hire an investigator to look into his credit. For that matter, make sure he isn’t an identity thief! You might wake up some morning to the feds surrounding your house with machine guns and helicopters and your new hubby vanished to Istanbul!
4) Religious beliefs. Sure, he claims to be a Christian. Better make sure he doesn’t belong to one of those cults that think Jesus is going to come back on a rocket ship and take them all to a utopian colony on Mars.
5) Career aspirations. He works at the Shoji Tabuchi theater, right? As a sound guy? Are you SURE he doesn’t secretly wish to be in the show, and you won’t arrive for work one evening to find him strutting around on stage with twelve trained poodles in squaredance skirts, singing “Achy Breaky Heart” as a duet with some 8-year-old prodigy dressed up like Dolly Parton?
Please think about this carefully. We just want you to be happy, but we want you to be safe, too. Morris seems like a nice guy, but don’t you think you’re rushing into marrying him?
Love,
Dulcie
* * *
From:
J. Huckleberry
To:
Dulcie Huckleberry Jordan and Becky
Subject:
Get a Life, Sweeties
* * *
…And stop interfering with mine. I mean that in love, but really—the two of you are being absolutely ridiculous! Morris is a kind, generous man who loves me and I love him.
Becky, when you wanted to marry Jordan, did I express any hesitation or concern over the fact that he is four years younger than you and still lived with his mother? For that matter, did I even bring up the matter of him calling her “Mommy”? No! I could have. Most mothers would have. But I kept my mouth shut. And look how wonderfully it all turned out. Now he lives with you and calls you “mommy.”
And as for you, Dulcie…when Tom told me that he was dating an interior decorator, for one