but a number? It definitely wasn’t an indicator of how mature and responsible a man might be.
When I realized he didn’t hate the idea of me being involved with Salinger, I broke the news that he might be a grandfather in the near future. I told him I was terrified because of what happened with my last pregnancy, and that I was slightly scared to tell Salinger, even though there was no way he could be surprised.
He was much better about using protection and trying to take care of me during sex than I was. He always reminded me that there were risks involved when we were caught up in the moment and moved forward recklessly with nothing between us, including hesitation. As a result, more often than not, when we fucked or made love—since we did both now and they felt distinctly different from one another—it was hotter, wetter, and messier than before. It wasn’t like neither of us knew what the eventual outcome of having lots and lots of unprotected sex might be, but speculation and the hard reality of one’s actions were two very different things.
My father scolded me for telling him before talking to Salinger. He reminded me that all the things I was afraid might happen were fears that Salinger would share once he found out he was going to be a father. He told me it wasn’t my job to protect Salinger from the possible pain we were facing, but rather, it was my job to share everything with him because the baby was ours. Not just mine. And not just his. Any happiness, excitement, trepidation, or sorrow that may come our way should be balanced equally between the two of us, and if it wasn’t, it would be a good indicator as to what kind of father Salinger would be.
If he wasn’t all in, it was better to know now than later down the line when I would really need to rely on him.
I wouldn’t be left floundering the way I’d been with my ex. Erik showed me who he really was leading up to my pregnancy and through everything that followed. I didn’t want to believe I’d been so blind. I knew Salinger didn’t put on any pretense, so when he found out he might be a dad, he wouldn’t hide how he honestly felt about the situation.
My father also warned me not to put the cart before the horse. He told me to make sure I knew what I was dealing with, and then I could tackle all the emotions that went along with bringing a baby into the world. He didn’t want me to worry myself sick over whether I was actually just run down and not knocked up. He reminded me that I would be a great mom regardless of the situation, and that what happened the last time wasn’t my fault. It was just a sad, unfortunate twist of fate. I finally felt like I could breathe again after his words of encouragement and love.
Sometimes there were things in life that were simply out of one’s control. And even with the loss, and Erik’s ultimate betrayal, I wouldn’t go back and undo that first pregnancy for anything. For the short amount of time I got to be my first baby’s mother, it was magical and life-changing.
I shouldn’t have let myself forget all of the great parts of that time in my life while I focused on grief and sadness instead.
Salinger was gone in a flash when I told him I needed to take a pregnancy test before seeing a doctor. I meant to tell him to send Arrow because it would cause one hell of an uproar if he was spotted in public picking one up, but he moved too fast. He was out the door before I could tell him to wait.
Every expression that danced over his handsome face after telling him my suspicions about my current condition matched my own.
Delight.
Stark fear.
Excitement.
Worry.
But more than anything, I could clearly see how much he loved me when he looked at me. No matter what, I believed he wasn’t going anywhere and he wanted to stay by my side.
Instead of fighting to keep someone, I finally had someone ready to go to war to hold onto me. We would both battle to be together.
While he was gone, I forced myself to get up and do something I’d put off for too long.
When Salinger got back to the townhouse, I was