to the elevator, and Mom loops her arm through mine. We’re walking in silence, as though we’re headed to an execution.
The scent of ammonia mixed with urine wafts down the hallway. It’s nauseating.
My chest only aches slightly from smoke inhalation, but my heart feels as though it might implode from the weight, knowing this might be my fault. This has to be my fault. There’s just no one else to blame.
When the doors open, I hear beeping and machines pumping air. Bile rises in my throat and I haven’t even gotten to his room yet.
This is all my fault.
Dad turns the corner into Blake’s room. The machines get louder. Dad blocks my view, giving me one last second to remember Blake as the bright-eyed, happy-go-lucky brother I’ve always known.
Dad steps away, and I try to comprehend what I’m seeing. Blake’s face—actually, his whole body—is wrapped in gauze. His eyelids and lips are all that show, and they’re raw and shiny. He doesn’t look anything like my twin.
Blake and I were born two minutes apart. We’ve always been close. I’m feisty and stubborn, he’s diplomatic and laid back. But visually, he’s the male version of me, with his blonde hair, blue eyes, and a million freckles, though he’s taller and broader than I am. I look more like his younger sister.
I shudder under a sob I refuse to release. How can I live knowing I’ll never see him again, never hear his…
I switch places with Dad so I can be closer to Blake. I feel uneasy being next to him, something I should never feel around my brother. I slide my hand gently between his curled, bandaged fingers. I don’t want to cry in case he can hear me, but I can’t stop the tears from coming. Seeing him like this…it’s killing me. “It’s all my fault, Blake.” I should be lying where he is right now. I feel numb, I can’t think straight. My memories of our lives together are playing like a movie in my head, but the film just ran out.
How is this good-bye? We’re twenty-five. Things weren’t supposed to go like this.
I lean over and place a kiss on his bandaged cheek. “I love you. You’re the best brother I could have asked for. I’m so sorry I let you down.” Everything hurts so fucking much. I don’t know how I’ll be able to live with myself now. I hold my breath. “I’ll look for you in the stars, just like Gran always told us. I’ll talk to you every night. I promise.” It’s all I can take. I run to the bathroom, vomiting into the toilet. Black fluid, from the smoke. I don’t know where it’s all coming from, but it keeps coming until I heave nothing but dry air. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the heart.
It’s evident now. Our heartbeats were both discovered at the same time.
Now only one will remain.
CHAPTER TWO
I’VE THANKED FIFTY PEOPLE for coming. They’ve all given me their condolences—the hand on my shoulder with a slight squeeze, and the tiny one-sided smile. An array of nasty perfumes and colognes have assaulted my nose, which don’t mix well with the spread of cold cuts and bunches of fragrant flowers set on the table beside me. Maybe it’s the emptiness of my stomach making me feel sick, or possibly the memory of Blake’s seared flesh…I can’t get it out of my head.
Or maybe it’s just the guilt.
For the first time in my life, I’m claustrophobic. Mom and Dad downsized their house after Blake and I moved out. They bought a one-bedroom condo, which seems smaller than the living room in our last house. I guess this works for them, but it’s not exactly the best size for dozens of our closest friends and family, which is why I’ve been standing by the front door for the past two hours keeping the exit close by.
Most people haven’t had the balls to ask me what happened. They probably don’t want the details, and I don’t blame them. The ones who have said something have given their “don’t blame yourself” spiel.
My vision glazes over as I watch the dark-clothed crowd chat in whispers. Are they talking about me? Telling each other I killed Blake? Pairs of eyes take turns, looking at me every few seconds. I feel like I did in grade school, sitting at a cafeteria table alone while everyone talks about my freckles, my underdeveloped body, and my nose always being in