in it making me feel as if I’m suffocating. It’s been this way for over a week now, the constricting feeling growing more with each day I’m away from Natalie.
We might’ve gone to the cabin pretending she was mine, but by the end, that’s what she was to me: mine. At least, that’s what I let myself believe toward the end. And those last nights together, with her in my arms, were the best I’ve had in a long time. For the first time in years I was truly happy and felt whole inside.
The hardest part of walking away from the trip was knowing that Natalie was happy too. I filled a void in her that my brother has been unable to fill in the two years they’ve been together, and like an idiot, I let her drive away due to my fear of being hurt. I had my shot at happiness with her—I could’ve made her mine—yet I didn’t, because I was too fucking terrified of losing her.
She might’ve been happy with me on the trip, but what about when it was over? My fear of what would happen once we got back home and back to reality took over. I couldn’t risk making her mine, losing my brother over it, and then losing her too if she realized she’d made a mistake with me. I’m not strong enough for that; not even fucking close.
To ensure that could never happen, I said the things I felt I needed to say that day. I told her we needed time even though that’s the last thing I wanted.
“Do you know how bad sleeping alone feels after you’ve been sleeping with someone?” I take another drag off my cigarette and slowly exhale, leaning my head back. “It fucking sucks. I haven’t had a solid night’s sleep in over a week, man. What I wouldn’t give to have Natalie in my bed every fucking night, wrapped up in my arms… It doesn’t feel right—being without her. You know?”
“Baa.”
“Tell me about it. I don’t know what to do.”
“Baa.”
I laugh and turn to Pixy, feeling silly that I’m out here spilling my guts to a goat. “You tired of listening to me yet? Yeah? I feel ya.”
Pixy lets out another long “baa” before walking away.
Apparently, even a goat is tired of my shit.
“Mate, would you go after her already? All you’ve been doing since you arrived at our doorstep is mope around and spill your guts to the goat.”
I put out my cigarette and turn to Chance, who just got home from a landscaping job. I’ve been crashing at his and Aubrey’s place since leaving the cabin. I should’ve been back with the band days ago, but I couldn’t stomach going back to the same old shit. Not just yet.
“I can’t.”
“Why can’t you?”
“Because I can’t fucking have her as mine just to lose her. I won’t survive it.”
He runs a hand through his messy hair and exhales. “Mate, what makes you so fucking sure that you’ll lose her?” He pulls a Pixy Stix from his pocket and pours it into his mouth, waiting for an answer.
“I can’t risk it, Chance. Not when it means I could lose everyone I love for good, her included.”
“Have you talked to Logan since the night at the cabin?”
“No. My phone is broken.”
Chance shoves his empty wrapper into his pocket and then hands a cake cone to Pixy when the goat “baas” again, as if to complain about not getting a snack. “I can’t tell you what to do, but you should figure things out soon. You can’t hide from life in our guest room forever. It’ll find you at some point. Like Aubrey and I said before, you’re welcome to crash here for as long as you want, but is staying here really what’s best for you, your brother, or Natalie?”
“I don’t know shit right now. Why else would I be out here talking to a goat?”
He laughs and pulls out another Pixy Stix, ripping the wrapper open with his teeth. “That’s when you know you need to step up your game and take care of what you want. Pixy hears enough of my shit as it is. He doesn’t need your shit to deal with on top of it.”
“Da-da.”
Chance smiles and picks up my niece, before grabbing the back of his wife’s head and kisses her long and hard. The whole time I’ve been here he’s never not kissed her with full passion. “Miss me, Princess?”
Aubrey laughs when