something inappropriately sexual, but he stops me.
“And I don’t mean physically. I mean … what kind of future do you honestly see with him? When you get signed to the NHL, you could be sent to California. Or Texas.”
“Or Boston. Montreal isn’t that far at all.”
“But you can’t sit there and tell me if they offered you a contract with, say, Seattle, that you wouldn’t take it.”
“Of course I’d take it.”
“Even if you were in a relationship with Zach in Vermont?”
“Well, I haven’t thought about it that hard. The NHL is a long way off. Are you saying I shouldn’t be happy now because of something that may or may not happen next year?”
“Is temporary happiness worth hurting Zach in the long run?”
Ugh. I don’t know.
“I know you’re used to living in the moment,” Seth says, “but Zach doesn’t think that way. He needs to be sure of something before he’ll go for it.”
“So, you’re saying I need to give him time.”
“No. I’m saying you should walk away now before it all gets fucked up.”
“Okay, real talk.” I turn to him, wanting to let him know this isn’t a game without giving away that I’m developing actual feelings. “I’m interested in Zach. I don’t know what the future holds, and right now, I’m talking about going on a few dates with him. I’m not planning marriage or a serious relationship or even the L word, so I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s more than fucking around, but I’m not going to make unrealistic promises either. I’m telling you this because even though you don’t like it, I’m doing it. I know you asked me to stay away, and this breaks all forms of bro-code, but I need you to know upfront that I’m going for it because I won’t go behind your back. I’d really like to have your support and not have this come between us as brothers.”
I’m breathless after vomiting that all over him.
All he does is stare me down, and I refuse to look away.
He breaks first. “If you hurt him, I’ll hurt you.”
I grin and reach over to ruffle his hair. “Sure you will.”
“I’m serious, Foster.”
I lose the act. “If I hurt him, I’ll give you a free shot.”
“Deal.”
18
Zach
My TA job isn’t rocket science. I book appointments for Professor Lawrence, meet with students who need help, take notes during class, and fantasize about Foster. All. Damn. Day.
I’ve poured myself into work and thesis research so I don’t have time to think about Foster’s suggestion that we have sex, yet it keeps cropping up, and I keep chickening out of having a conversation with Professor Lawrence. Being Foster’s TA was my last excuse, and if I eliminate that … I shiver. It’s going to be clear to Foster how inexperienced I am because, while watching porn shows me what goes where, it doesn’t specifically show me my role in it all. Or how I’m supposed to perform that role.
I think bottoming looks most appealing to me, especially for my first time. I want Foster to take control and not only because of my inexperience but because it seems so hot. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried though. Worried about it hurting, about not being good enough, about, well, other logistical things …
Since realizing sex with Foster is an actual possibility, I’ve been experimenting with lube and my fingers, and it feels … weird. Good, but … not.
Perhaps I should be upfront with him, but Foster deserves better. If I’m terrible and he has to do all the work, he’s not going to want it to happen again. It hasn’t even happened yet, but I already know once isn’t going to be enough for me.
All Foster’s texts this week have been normal and friendly, but every time I see his name on my screen, I’m burning for more. I don’t know how he can be so cool about this.
I laugh to myself as I head for Professor Lawrence’s office. I’m getting ahead of myself. Once will be perfect. Once is something I’ve never thought too hard about because I’ve always been so focused on other things. Focused on schoolwork and studying, and while I was living with Seth, he encouraged it. He’d bring me food when I was deep in my research, remind me to shower, and force me outside for a few minutes each day. I forgot to worry about trivial things like my virginity.
Guilt over letting Seth take care of