don’t see it.”
Something dies a little inside me. “Thank you! Neither do I.”
“Why did you freak out? Because you’re a virgin?”
“Shh! For the love of all things, keep your voice down. And no, that isn’t why I freaked out.”
“Then wh—”
“I got a little, umm, too excited.”
“Oh.” For the first time since we’ve met, Ray lets out a short laugh. It’s dry and not at all lively, but it’s something. “That’s hilarious.”
“I live to amuse.” Apparently. “When I say I’m a … you know. I mean the grossly-inexperienced-only-had-my-first-kiss-yesterday type.”
She looks at me like I have two heads, and oh no, Foster is going to look at me that way, isn’t he? She pats my shoulder again. “Umm, there … there?”
I shrug her off. “I don’t need sympathy. I need to work out what I’m doing. I don’t want Foster to know, and even though it’s doubtful I’ll have that experience again with him, I want to feel competent whenever the time comes. With anyone.”
“Ah, competent. The dream of men everywhere.”
“You’re not being helpful.”
She sighs and turns back to her work. I stare at my computer screen and realize we’ve been here half an hour and I haven’t even opened the intranet.
“You don’t have guy friends you could talk to about it? Or, you know, someone else who doesn’t have only marginally more experience than you?”
I groan. “I would talk to my best friend about it, but he’s Foster’s brother.”
“Porn.”
I jolt around to look at her. “Excuse me?”
“You want to research. Go watch some porn.”
“I don’t think …” Don’t think what? Where was I taking that?
Ray leans over and slowly closes my laptop. “You’re giving me anxiety. Go away.”
“This is a public place. You can’t banish me.”
“And you can’t watch porn here.” She pauses and looks me over. “Unless being arrested is your kink.”
My cheeks blaze. “Do you know what an inside voice is?”
She talks louder. “Everyone watches porn. It’s perfectly natural.”
“I hate you.” I stuff my laptop into my bag and hurry to get away from her.
“That could be the sweetest thing you’ve ever said.”
When Ray pushed the idea of porn on me, I’d been completely content to ignore her suggestion and walk around campus. The early October weather is already cold, and it won’t be long until it’s time for bulky sweaters and jackets again.
People watching always settles my anxiety and awakens the curiosity that overrides all other thoughts, but unlike most days, people aren’t catching my attention.
Instead, my thoughts keep straying to Foster and how he kissed me. It makes me lightheaded, though that could simply be because all the blood is running south. I’m tempted to seek him out, but I’m not sure where things stand after last night, and seeing him again while I’m in this state wouldn’t be my best idea. I wasn’t lying when I told Ray I wanted to be prepared.
Make it last.
I shiver but refuse to think too deeply about the words. There’s a long time for things to change, and I will not give up my TA position to be with him. No matter how tempting he is, or how hard his shoulders are, or how soft his lips are …
Porn. Right.
My stupid hands are shaking again as I swipe my way into Albany Hall, and I blush as I pass people on the way to the elevator. I’m convinced they know the filthy thoughts taking over my mind, but I can’t seem to make them stop. All it takes is a quick flash of Foster grinding on top of me and I have to bite my lip to get my dick to calm down.
I don’t even make it so far as porn. As soon as my door is locked behind me, I fall back into it, take myself out, and it’s over in an embarrassingly short time. When I wash my hands, I can barely look myself in the eye. I’m appalled at how quickly I lose myself over him. He said himself that he’d been with a lot of people, so if anything ever happens between us, I have a lot to live up to.
As for him, well, he only needs to look at me sideways and I’m panting.
Dear god, research don’t fail me now.
I grab my laptop, and after hesitating a moment between my desk and the bed, I finally settle on the bed. Might as well get comfortable.
It’s not like I’ve never done this before, but porn is usually reserved for when I’m so needy I can ignore