on toast, Aero, fag), I stroll out to the hallway and take a look at my frenzied efforts. Actually not too bad. Pretty good, in fact. I decide to point up all the red streaks with black while the whole thing is still wet. This will give it an in-your-face chaotic dripping quality. It’ll stop being floaty and vague and become focussed and aggressive. That’s the plan, anyway.
I’m sure this all sounds quite mad and is incredibly difficult to visualise. The truth is, I’ve been fiddling around with this canvas for so long that I don’t know if what I’m doing is good, bad or indifferent. Maybe that’s what proper artists feel. Who knows? I don’t know any proper artists to ask.
So, then, it’s my fault that Mark has gone on holiday with his friend and the girls. If I had taken a different path in life, this would not have happened. I’m trying hard to put the whole thing out of my mind, but now it’s nagging at me even more. My bloody mother. What on earth is wrong with her? She shouldn’t be taking Mark’s side in this, if indeed there is a side to take. All the things she hates about the things I do and the choices I’ve made have now, as far as she’s concerned, culminated in my boyfriend, or partner or whatever he is going away on holiday for five days. It’s insane. Is he my partner? I hadn’t really thought about it.
I’m not even sure why we moved in together. I think he’d seen the flat, liked it, but it was a little too expensive for one person to rent. As we’d spent so much time around each other’s places, he suggested that two could live as cheaply as one. And they say romance is dead!
Is there something about my mother I don’t know? Did something happen to her years ago which made her like this? Is it a pathological need for grandchildren that has warped her mind or something? And anyway, all she’s ever done is be a housewife. It’s not that difficult to sit on your arse, clean the house and reproduce. What a disturbing image.
The last time she rang up, it ended up with me having to listen to up-to-date life achievement fables about five of my friends from school, none of whom I’d had any contact with for about fifteen years or so. I’d actually forgotten two of them even existed.
What follows are brief summaries of what these friends were up to, or had been up to.
1. Hilary Spinks. Got married at nineteen to some man seventeen years her senior called Ryan or Brian who owns two successful fruit and veg shops. He bought her some flash car/jeep/tank thing for her 21st. Had four children by the time she was twenty-five. All kids are now being privately educated.
2. Paige Gordon. Studied journalism but dropped out after two college terms. Married Aiden or Adrian who is a builder. They live in a huge house with a swimming pool. The house is conveniently near a CenterParc. Two children who both wear glasses. Aiden or Adrian had an operation on his inner ear three years ago. Paige now very religious, apparently.
3. Trinity Addison. Now Trinity Addison-Copely. A teacher. Married to Dominic, an art teacher (ha ha!). Dominic won some teacher award six years ago. They live in a beautiful flat which Dominic’s dad bought for them after they got married. Trinity’s hair is now auburn. No children but trying. Trinity had a mole removed from her face privately and it cost a fortune.
4. Alicia Scott. Has put on a lot of weight, but it looks good on her as she’s tall. Divorced. No children. New man in her life is called Brody (!) and is a high-flying executive in a pharmaceutical company which makes sugar substitutes. They spent two years living is Strasbourg and have a place there which is a listed building (or its Strasbourg equivalent).
5. Jocelyn Loveguard. Still single, but is the mistress of some wealthy provincial bank manager somewhere. He’s bought her a two bedroom luxury flatlet over a Thai restaurant in Slough and took her to Florence last year when his wife was in rehab. Had a boob job which he paid for. Her surname still sounds like a primitive contraceptive.
In case you were wondering, and it was causing you not a little anxiety, the two I’d totally forgotten about were Paige and Alicia.
Those are the sort of