are too good for a puny district attorney to manage. Then everything will go right back to normal.”
That’s what I’m afraid of.
We sat in silence a bit longer, forking our food, but not really eating it. Caitlyn, of course, didn’t eat carbs any more than I used to, so she wasn’t particularly interested in the pasta to begin with. And my appetite did not return.
“Are you—are you okay, N?” she asked finally.
I looked up. “Why?”
It was then the old version of my friend resurfaced. The one who used to spend hours and hours in my room with me after school. The one who wasn’t only interested in boys. The one who, at one point in my life, knew me better than anyone.
“You just seem…I don’t know. Different. Lost, I guess, though I don’t mean to repeat what Calvin said.”
I stared at my plate. If Matthew was here, he would have taken my hand under the table and squeezed it just to let me know he understood. Or maybe he would have leaned over and whispered deep-voiced encouragement in my ear.
I like you different, doll.
But that wasn’t going to happen again. Even if we had any number of other illicit meetings at the Grace or some other clandestine location. What I wanted, what I thought he wanted—a life, a future—that could never happen. Matthew had been very clear. If Calvin won, he would look for any reason to have Matthew disbarred and shamed. Ruined. And if he didn’t…any hint of misconduct would ruin the entire case, and Matthew’s career along with it.
I thought of the people at home he supported. The house he had bought not just for him, but his sister and his niece. The grandmother in the Bronx whom I was certain he helped financially here and there. The sister at whose shop he purchased all the suits he needed for court.
It wasn’t just my future at stake here. It was Matthew’s, and one of the warmest, most loving families I’d ever met. I could never forgive myself if I ruined a thing for any of them.
But unlike Caitlyn, I did believe in Matthew’s abilities. My love wasn’t the only one who could do research. My assistant, Moira, had done a little digging and discovered that while he was still young, his conviction record was easily the best in his bureau, and one of the best of all three hundred and some attorneys employed by Kings County. He was very, very good at winning once he put his mind to it.
It was inspiring, actually. The more I learned about how much he had done to create the life he had, the more I wanted something like that for myself. And so, perhaps Caitlyn was right. Perhaps something was different about me after all.
“I want something more,” I admitted for the first time. Out loud. Or to myself.
“What do you mean?” Caitlyn asked, not quite able to keep the envy out of her voice. “You have everything you could ever want. Well, for the most part. And you could have that too if you were just a little more careful.” She winked conspiratorially. “Once Calvin can travel again for work, it shouldn’t be too hard.”
I ignored her innuendo. “You don’t know what it’s like, not choosing anything for yourself.”
“Don’t I? I’ve only had to shackle myself to other people’s things to survive,” she said bitterly.
I compressed a smile. “So, you and Kyle aren’t a match made in heaven, then?”
In response, I received a dry expression that almost made me laugh. The Caitlyn I knew before. Frank and honest, even about her own deceptions. It was nice to see her again.
“I’ve made my choices just like you have,” she said. “Which has been even harder since I can’t have kids, of course. Otherwise I’d just sail that child support ship for as long as I needed. But spousal support doesn’t last forever, and this time I was able to negotiate a solid prenup. Even if I can’t outlast him—Kyle has a bad heart, you know—I’ll walk away with real security. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
I nodded. Perhaps I was being a bit myopic. Unlike me, Caitlyn had come from next to nothing. She was a scholarship student at the preparatory school where we met. Had never gone to college, instead attaching herself to wealthy men and marrying multiple times to keep herself afloat. She had no useful skills other than the socializing she had learned from, well, people like me.
How could