couldn’t see the brand anywhere on the shelf. “I’m sure they have it,” Driss said. He was like that, he always had faith, even about silly little things, so while he looked for the can, I waited, shivering in my denim jacket. Then a woman pushed her cart past us, and in her wake I caught the scent of rose water. Instantly, I was back in Casablanca with my sisters, putting our hair in rollers and trying on different colors of lipstick, looking at our reflections in the dresser mirror, where a picture of Shadia was tucked into the frame, her hair in an elaborate bouffant we were trying to replicate. The radio was on, we were waiting for the DJ to play the Bee Gees, our friends were coming by later to watch an Egyptian movie starring Roshdy Abadha.
I don’t know why I did this, but I followed the woman down the aisle and along the refrigerated section, where she got milk and butter and eggs and juice, enough for a big family, and then to the corner display, where she picked out one of the new E.T. lunchboxes, with the alien and the little boy touching fingers and the light glowing between them. The woman had long brown hair, almost the same shade as mine, only she wore hers parted down the middle, and I remember that her coat had those huge shoulder pads that were becoming popular. She went into a new aisle, and I watched as she tried to choose a brand of baking flour from the dozens that sat on the shelf. “Hello,” I said. The woman turned around, her eyebrows lifting, her lips stretching into a tentative smile. My name is Maryam, I wanted to tell her. What is yours? Do you live nearby? What do you do? Do you have children? I have one daughter, she is three years old. Would you like to have tea with me someday? Are you baking a cake? I know a great recipe. You shouldn’t use Star Flour, though, it’s not good for cakes. But when I opened my mouth again, nothing came out, my heart was beating too fast inside my chest.
“Yes?” she said. “Can I help you?”
“This is not good floor.”
“What?”
Later, I would learn to sound out words in my head before I spoke them, the way I had been taught to do at school, when we recited the poems of al-Khansa’ or al-Mutanabbi, and our teachers would not tolerate a missing inflection or an incorrect agreement, but that day all I felt was the betrayal of a foreign tongue. “This,” I said, “is not good floor.”
She looked at the ground. “I don’t understand.”
“Too thick.”
“Lady, I have no idea whatchu tryin’ to say.”
Only now that I was close to her did I see that she had a beauty mark on her upper lip, just like my youngest sister, which I hadn’t expected, and I stared at her even more intently. But I had already mangled what I’d tried to say and I was afraid to make it worse, so I pointed to the flour and rubbed my belly and smiled in a way I hoped made my meaning clear. She shook her head and laughed, displaying crooked teeth yellowed by coffee, then put a box of instant baking mix in her cart and walked off. Standing next to the canisters of frosting, I started crying. That’s where Driss found me later, crying next to the frosting. “What’s wrong?” he asked, taking my hand. I didn’t know how to explain to him that nothing was wrong, and yet everything was wrong. Salma was watching me from the cart, and I quickly dried my face, I didn’t want to upset her, especially after she brandished the can of Hunt’s diced tomatoes like a prize. A consolation prize. “Where’s the coupon?” Driss asked me.
I didn’t have it, I’d dropped it somewhere along the way, when I’d followed the woman from aisle to aisle, so I retraced my steps, but I couldn’t find the little envelope where we saved all our coupons. It had taken us weeks to clip that many, and now Driss was annoyed because we would have to pay more for our groceries, and he bickered with me