get the most out of your stay here, there must be no distractions from ‘The Learning’.’
He said the words: “The Learning”, as if he was summoning them from somewhere not of this earth, with the kind of relish you see priests utilizing in their sermons in those funny ‘speaking in tongues’ churches in the US. He could see that I was hesitant about surrendering my entire identity and said, ‘Do not worry; they will be kept here in the safe until your time with us is over.’
I looked at the solid iron safe and, feeling my shoulders relax a little, preparing myself to give in to going with the flow as asked of me, I pulled all those items out of my rucksack and handed them over to him. He paid a little more attention to the bundle of cash than I would have liked, but I suppose he had to make sure it ‘was all there’ and that these places must have overheads.
With that, I was in. I would spend the next three weeks ‘finding myself’ and, with any luck, getting to know that mysterious girl whose smile had initially brought me here. What could go wrong? There was sun, sand and sea, peace and most importantly of all, nice people. See you suckers on the other side. I’m living in the jungle, raaahhh!
Part the Second: Hell
Six months later and this place is a fucking hellhole. I was only meant to be coming for three weeks. It rains all the time and I’m fucking starving. Turns out that big, bald bastard is a tyrant and we’re all prisoners. Of our own minds no less! Turns out also that there’s three stages to ‘the learning’ that you need to undergo in order to become ‘enlightened’ .Enlightened my arse. If by being enlightened you mean you must give up all of your personality, free will, and subject yourself to the exploitation—both emotional, physical, and sexual—to the ravings of a bully dressed as a saint and his acolytes, then I guess it’s that. Get me out of here, please.
Why don’t I just run away? Well, there’s the matter of my passport, money, phone etc. I’m not sure I can mentally cope with another ‘talking to’. Reader, I never would have believed how much damage can be done to a man’s soul on account of words! Long ones, short ones, kind ones, brutal ones, concepts and paradigms, parables and litotes, all droning on in a monotone, draining, draining, drowning in them.
And then there’s the ‘free expression formula’, whereby we ‘have to demonstrate free will adherence to the long-established doctrine’. You try doing that, I dare you. I just want my old job back listening to wasp chewing, crusty old Tories at Guildhall. At least you could finish that at the end of the day and go home and get drunk. Here, even your thoughts are monitored. I read a book once called 1984, I didn’t believe it was possible, but it is, and I’m living it. And then there’s the ‘mindfulness meditation’. I mean, what is the point? I just don’t get it. You sit there on the floor, legs crossed, eyes closed, and deep breathing is supposed to take you somewhere, Nirvana, apparently. I’ve taken to opening my eyes when everyone’s are shut and staring at them angrily, fantasising about leaping up and punching them in their stupid, blissful faces, but Baldy caught me doing it a couple of times and destroyed me with the ‘talking’.
The only hope is to get to ‘stage three’, that’s the goal. When you get to stage three you can have your happy looking photo taken like the girl in the advert and then they let you off the island to go to the market or get supplies from the pharmacy. Maybe then I’ll find a way to get into that safe and get my stuff. But the thing is, I’m only at stage two, and Baldy threatened to knock me back to stage one if he caught me opening my eyes again. I’m so miserable. Nice people, shit! Nice people are the worst. Take it from me.
You hear that? It’s the gong. It means we must go over there and sit still for four hours. Four-fucking-hours! (Quietly sobs).
Baldy wants to talk at us before we start.
“People, you are on an individualistic journey, only you can understand your inner you, the inner peace and strength given to you by ‘The Learning’. Some of you are on your