… Just to be on the safe side.”
“Well, good for you, Shea. Good for making that decision with fifteen years of hindsight and a whole lot more information than I had. Thank you for that classic bit of Monday morning quarterbacking. Just like those idiots who call in to my show.”
“This is different from questioning a play in a game …”
“I know that, Shea. And I also know that I made a mistake. A terrible mistake. I don’t believe he raped her, but now … I do believe he did something to her … And I know I should have done more for her … And I’m manning up and admitting that to you. I would change it if I could. But I can’t.”
“What about trying to fix what happened?” I said.
“How?”
“By apologizing to Tish?”
“I’ve already done that. Would you like to read the letter? It’s back there on my desk. Go read it! Go on! Then tell me what else I should do. Turn myself in? Penalize my current team, which had nothing to do with this? Bring down the program, fifteen years later? Is that what you want? If that’s what you want—go ahead and do it yourself. You’re a reporter. Write the story. Write the damn story, Shea. Include what Ryan did to you. Write all of it! I’ll give you a hell of a quote!”
I stared at him, speechless, more confused than ever.
Coach finally spoke. “I’m not perfect, Shea. I never claimed to be perfect. The media did that. The media loves a black and white story … But guess what? It’s never black and white. Never. I’m not the saint they made me out to be. And I’m not the demon they’d love to portray if they knew … this.”
“This what?” I said, because he was gesturing between us again.
“Well, for starters, if they knew that I’m involved with a girl I practically raised. My daughter’s best friend. A reporter on my beat covering an NCAA probe into my program …”
“I’m going to resign,” I said. Although this was the first moment that such a thought had occurred to me, I was suddenly sure of the decision.
“You’re doing no such thing,” he said. “Because that’s the least of it … That’s a nothing little sidebar compared to this Paterno story we have going here. Forget the dubious rape allegation. There’s still an assault and battery charge that I swept under the carpet on the eve of the Cotton Bowl.”
“This is nothing like Paterno and Penn State,” I said.
“They’ll say that it is.”
“It’s not true.”
“The truth doesn’t matter.”
“You don’t believe that. Of course it matters.”
“Well, then, you listen here, Shea. You listen good. Because I’d stake my life on what I’m about to tell you … That decision I made in my office fifteen years ago? … It was wrong … But it had nothing to do with winning a football game. It has never been about winning a football game.”
“What’s it about?” I said, my voice cracking.
“It’s about loyalty. It’s about commitment to the people you love. Your wife. Your family. Your friends. Your team. It’s about giving it your all and doing the very best you can with what you have, in every moment you’re in. And that’s what I did that night in my office. That’s what I do on the football field. And that’s what I’m doing right now as I defend myself to the woman I love.”
“You love me?” I said, my heart pounding in my ears.
“Yes, I love you. I’m madly in love with you. I want you more than anything. And a whole hell of a lot more than winning a football game. Even a national championship.”
“I believe you,” I finally whispered, my knees weak. “I believe in you.”
“Well, that’s a start,” he said. “That’s a really good start.”
Forty
The following morning, my mother called and demanded that I come over, right away, complaining of chest pains. So I raced to her house, finding her in her bathroom, wearing one of her many silk robes while putting on individual false eyelashes that she wore nearly every day, no special occasion needed.
“How could you do this?” she shouted when I walked in, spinning away from the counter to face me. I hoped that she was referring to my breakup with Ryan, which I had informed her of via email, but had the feeling that Lucy had spoken to her about last night.
“How could I do what?” I said, cursing myself for