desire to unload my secret. Maybe on some level I wanted to shock him. And maybe I wanted him to feel genuine worry for me. Concern that, due to his absence and the vast paternal void in my life, I was making bad choices, pursuing a wildly inappropriate older man. I didn’t believe this, of course, but part of me wanted my father to wonder.
“The truth is, Dad,” I said, now unable to stop myself. “I really like Ryan … But I think I might be in love with someone else.”
No matter how much I had felt this coming on, it still felt strange and startling to say it out loud.
My dad put his mug down, still gripping the handle, and said, “Your ex? What was his name?”
“Miller,” I said. “And no. I never loved Miller.”
My dad didn’t ask who, likely because he assumed he wouldn’t know him anyway, but I opened my mouth, and could feel the words tumbling out of me, almost uncontrollably. “I think I’m in love with Coach Carr,” I announced, my voice low but steady.
My dad stared across the table at me, clearly in shock, while I tried to overcome my own feeling of vertigo. It was as if I was standing on the edge of a cliff without a guardrail. Or, perhaps more accurately, already in midair, falling. And just like it wouldn’t be possible to stop a fall halfway to the ground, I knew it wasn’t possible to undo my confession, though it crossed my mind to try, pass the whole thing off as a joke.
“Coach Carr? What?” my dad said, flustered. Floored.
I nodded.
“Are you … serious?” he asked, his mouth falling open like a cartoon of a man surprised.
“Dead serious,” I said, now riding a cathartic wave of relief.
“But what about … Ryan?” my dad asked, seemingly confounded.
“What about him?” I said. “C’mon, Dad. You, of all people, know this sort of thing is complicated. Why else would you marry the same person twice?”
“Right,” he said, looking satisfyingly sheepish.
Our waitress arrived with our food, giving us both time to process everything.
When she left, he said, “And Clive …? He feels the same?”
“I think he might feel the same, but it’s all under the surface … And obviously all of this was well after Connie died. In case you were wondering.”
In other words, no foul play of the kind you’re accustomed to.
My dad looked slightly relieved, then said, “Are you sure it’s not just … football?”
“If it were football, don’t you think I’d be just as happy with Ryan?”
He nodded and said, “Good point.”
“Nobody is like Coach Carr,” I said. “Nobody is half the man he is.”
It was the way I felt, but it was a bit pointed, too.
I think my dad got it, because he looked down, suddenly remembering his coffee. He took a long swallow, as if gathering his thoughts, then said, “I just think … you’ve always looked up to him so much. As a father figure … You know … Since I wasn’t around when you were growing up …”
“So what you’re saying is—Bronwyn would never fall for Coach Carr because she had a father, growing up?” I looked into his eyes, and saw a flicker of regret. Though it occurred to me, not for the first time, that once he shacked up with my mom and had me, he was screwed either way. No matter what, he was going to be abandoning a woman and her daughter.
“No,” my dad said. “That’s not what I’m saying at all … I’m just saying …” He stopped, then said, “Okay. Maybe I was saying something like that …”
I picked my words as carefully as I could. “Dad, isn’t it possible that I actually just … have genuine feelings for him? Apart from anything that happened to me as a child?”
“Yes,” my dad conceded, but he still looked flummoxed. “That is possible.”
We both pretended to concentrate on our food for a few seconds, until he put down his fork and said, “Who else knows? Lucy? Your mom?”
I shook my head. “Nobody but you.”
He gave me a half smile and said, “Well, I’m honored.”
“You should be,” I said.
“Thank you for trusting me.”
“Yes. Please don’t tell Astrid.”
“I would never.”
“I believe you.”
“And Ryan?”
“Ryan will be fine,” I said. “No matter what happens, Ryan will be just fine.”
“Can I give you some advice?” my dad said.
“Sure.”
“If you know it’s wrong with him, end it sooner rather than later.”
I looked at him, wondering if he was speaking