craving it. “Mark, why are you here? You don’t look like you need a doctor.”
“I don’t,” he replies with a half-smile. “I need a friend.”
“Me?” I ask disbelievingly. “Why?”
“Because I need you to meet someone.”
Just then, the door to the exam room opens, and Mark’s wife, Sierra, comes in. Sierra and Mark met when we were interns. I can still remember their wedding like it was yesterday. I remember watching her face and wishing I could have a woman look at me the way Sierra looked at Mark. Funny how life can change.
My eyes move from Sierra’s face to what she’s holding. In her arms is a sleeping baby that looks about six months old. I inhale sharply as Sierra hits me with a warm smile. “Hi, Josh. Long time no see.”
I sniff loudly, my eyes lowering from the baby to the floor. “Hi, Sierra,” I croak, hating that flashes of her sobbing on the floor beside Julian’s bed play on repeat through my mind like a fucking nightmare.
She clears her throat as she moves closer. “This is our son.”
I inhale a shaky breath as my heart thunders in my chest. They had another baby?
I flash my eyes to Sierra’s face and manage to force out through clenched teeth, “Congratulations.”
She smiles warmly at me. “We call him JJ.”
I nod and try to smile, but it doesn’t work.
“Do you want to hold him?” she asks, taking a step closer.
I shake my head. “No, thank you.”
She lifts her arms to me, gently cradling the baby as she replies, “You should hold him.”
“Why?” I hold my arms out as she forcefully places him in my arms.
She touches his cheek tenderly while gazing down at him. “Because his name is Joshua Jacob, and I think it’s important for you to hold your namesake.”
My jaw drops as my muscles tense. A sudden pressure builds in my chest, making each breath harder to take. My voice comes out in a tremble when I ask, “Why would you guys give him my name?”
Mark moves over to put his arm around Sierra. “Because you meant a lot to Julian. You were his hero, Josh.”
I shake my head, slowly taking in their perfect baby boy. “H-how can you guys be like this after…everything? How can you stand to be around me?”
Mark’s face grows serious as he stares back at me. “You couldn’t have stopped what happened to Julian. I know that now. I’m sorry I put you through the pain of a lawsuit back then. But Josh, I know now that I was wrong. And we want JJ to be a testament to how much you meant to our family. How much you still mean to our family. I honor Julian everyday through the eyes of JJ, and I want you to feel that forgiveness as well.”
An uneasiness vibrates inside my chest. The sensation is a chisel chipping away at my once granite heart that has been slowly softening since the moment Lynsey came into my life. Since the moment I let myself touch her belly and embrace the child we made together. Now with Mark’s words and this tiny, sleeping baby, I am completely undone.
Mark touches my shoulder, his eyes wide and sincere when he adds, “I’ve learned that it’s okay to let yourself feel happy, man. I want that for you too. More than you could ever know.”
Sierra nods her agreement and smiles at her husband with that same tender look.
It’s hard to breathe. My arms tremble as I look down at the baby sound asleep.
He’s beautiful. Pink cheeks and dark, glossy hair. His lower lip quivers as he dreams of whatever it is babies dream of. My eyes fill with tears when I see Julian’s little face in the hollows of JJ’s eyes and the curve of his tiny chin.
That’s when I feel it. A tiny, fluttering spark of something that I haven’t allowed myself to feel in over two years strikes me out of nowhere.
Love.
Fucking hell.
I love this kid, and I’ve just met him. I still love Julian. I love Mark and Sierra for bringing this moment to me and giving JJ my name and offering me their forgiveness.
I…I love them.
And I love my own child. My peanut.
More than anything…I love Lynsey.
Fuck.
“Are you guys in town for a while?” I ask, lifting the baby up to my nose to feel his warm head against my cheek.
“We’re here until Sunday,” Sierra replies with a smile.
I press my lips together and gently hand the baby back over.