fear of saying too much.
“Then why risk it? Just to continue whatever ridiculous game you have going with this girl?” Joss pauses to shake her head, radiating judgement from her seat. “I should’ve called you on your shit when this all started. Lord knows no one else has the balls to do it. If I had, instead of ignoring it, maybe you wouldn’t have possibly set your entire future on fire.”
She’s staring at the side of my face, full of anger she didn’t let show at the penthouse. There, she’d been neutral, probably feeling outnumbered with Dane and Sterling around, but there was no trace of her being reserved now. Guess I don’t have to wonder why she volunteered to join me for the ride. She wanted her chance to rip me a new one in private.
A heavy sigh leaves her mouth and she finally faces forward, but she’s still worked up.
“You’ve done some twisted shit before, West, but this is next level,” she continues. “And to think, I encouraged Blue to talk to you the other night! Because, silly me, I thought I knew you, thought you were decent. Never in a million years would I have imagined you could be so monumentally cruel! You’re—”
“Damn it, Joss! It wasn’t me!”
My voice reverberates in the car a moment after I yell the words. Then, we’re both unnaturally silent. No sound other than the wind that rushes in through the partially open window.
“Fuck!”
I’m not sure if I’m relieved or terrified having admitted it out loud. Maybe a little of both. I was supposed to keep my mouth shut. Swore I would, actually, but I feel myself unraveling more by the minute, knowing what everyone thinks of me. Knowing what Southside thinks of me.
“You’re telling the truth?”
“What the fu…” I catch myself when my temper flares again. “Yes, Josslyn Grace Francois, I’m telling you the fucking truth.”
In my peripheral, I see her point a finger when her head tilts.
“Nope, don’t do it,” she warns. “Don’t you dare ‘full-name’ me right now, West Xavier Golden! I’m not the one in hot water here!”
Dear, God. Deliver me from Joss. I don’t want the guilt of dumping her on the side of the road. So please, please, please let me find a safe, well-lit bus stop to ditch her before my patience runs out.
As if she just heard my thoughts, she rolls her eyes so dramatically I don’t have to look over to see it.
“Now,” she huffs, “if it wasn’t you, who was it?”
“Don’t ask me that.”
“Are you kidding me? You have to tell someone! You can’t take the wrap for this.”
Staring at the road in the headlights, I zone out thinking of how this whole thing started from one careless decision made roughly a year and a half ago. That single incident gave the one responsible for the leak just enough leverage to keep me quiet.
“Why wouldn’t you want to clear your name? You have too much to lose if you don’t speak up, West.”
Joss is staring when I sigh and come to a grave realization, speaking it out loud. “I’ve got too much to lose if I do.”
The last human being on Earth I trust with my future has it right in the palm of her evil little hand, and there ain’t shit I can do about it.
I feel Joss staring again. “What aren’t you telling me?” she asks. “I mean, besides who’s behind this.”
My chest burns with rage, knowing I’m holding a secret for someone I hate. Not only aware of what it could cost me down the road, but … sure as shit of what it’s cost me already.
Who it’s cost me already.
No matter how hard I fight it, no matter how I try convincing myself it doesn’t matter, all I see when I close my eyes is Southside on the back of Ricky’s bike. Thanks to Pandora’s cronies stalking everyone like undercover paparazzi, none of us miss much of what others are up to. And in my case, I’m hyper-focused on Southside’s whereabouts.
If anyone knows I don’t have the right to feel a damn thing about where she is or what her next move is, it’s me. But still, I think about it. It’s kind of all I can think about.
Where’d he take her?
Did he touch her?
Would she fuck him to ease the pain I caused?
…Shit.
I can’t even remember how many times I’ve gone over the details of the other night. The argument that turned into the two of us