your hostages and come out of there peacefully.”
“Please, Charlie,” I said.
Leslie wailed. Susan gestured for me to move away. The rest of the mothers sat silent and still.
“Charlie, do what the man says,” I begged. “I’ll go out there with you. Please. We’ll go together.”
Susan came over and grabbed my arm. “Zoe. For godsakes move away from him.”
“No—it’s okay. Charlie and I are going to go out there together, right, Charlie?”
“They mean business, Zoe.”
“Charlie? Let’s go, okay?” I touched his shoulder and stood. “Zoe, I’m serious—move away—” “Just a second—”
“Dammit,” Susan scowled. She stood glaring at me while Charlie leaned forward, peering through the glass. He looked exhausted, pensive. Seconds passed, each one leaden, adding weight to the next. Thirty, forty. The room was silent. Motionless. The air too heavy to breathe.
When a minute had passed, Sergeant Bennings began to speak again, but Charlie shouted over him. “Okay—zero hour—here we go! Get down!” He raised the gun and fired at the window. Glass shattered, shards soaring.
“No!” I screamed. “Charlie—the children!” Susan pulled at my arm; I yanked it away and pulled at Charlie, trying to stop him. With surprising strength, he shoved me away. Behind me, women shrieked and dropped to the floor. Susan ducked; someone ran for the door. Charlie shouted obscenities and kept firing, popping two shots, three, until suddenly what remained of the window exploded in a glittering shower. A gush of red burst from Charlie’s hand and his gun flew through the air onto the floor. He turned to me with a look of surprise. His mouth opened, forming words I couldn’t hear, and his skull exploded. Brains, bone, blood, bits of Charlie flew all over the room. Warm, sticky spray splattered my clothes, my face, my eyes. I couldn’t see, squinted to find Molly through a warm, crimson veil.
On the floor, the mass that had been Charlie twitched awhile before it lay still. Susan led me to a chair. Then she was gone. Coach Gene stared from the doorway, his mouth moving, no sound coming out. Police in white jumpsuits shoved past him, clearing the room. Sometime, out of nowhere, Nick appeared, wrapped me in his arms, and carried me out. I saw events as a silent movie, heard no voices, no commotion, no cries. Long seconds passed before I realized that I’d been deafened by the gunfire, so I couldn’t hear any sounds at all, even my own screams.
THIRTY-NINE
POLICE CARS BLOCKED OFF OUR STREET, THEIR STROBES LIGHTing Charlie’s porch. Blue and white flashes pierced the night, outshining the Santa’s red and green. Police swarmed all around and inside Charlie’s house. Neighbors and passers-by gathered on the sidewalks. Jake must have been working late again; he lingered at the curb, talking with a policeman. Phillip Woods stood on his porch. Victor peered through his blinds; I actually saw his hands. I sat on my steps, watching, breathing on my fingers for warmth.
Inside, Karen, Davinder, and Gretchen watched the children. Ileana and Susan had left their kids with us while they went to the emergency room with Leslie and Coach Gene, who’d become hysterical after the shooting. The rest of us stayed together simply because we weren’t able to separate. We didn’t know, couldn’t imagine, how to return to the lives we’d left just that evening. Though nothing was said about it, each of us suspected that those lives had been, with Charlie’s, blown away.
An ambulance had arrived at the Center to remove Charlie, and someone had given me a clean sweatsuit to change into. I had no idea where my old clothes were, the ones coated with clumps of Charlie. Nick had taken Molly to be with Susan and Emily, minimizing her contact with the frightful sight of her mother. Then he’d taken me to the locker room, where he’d helped me peel off my gore-soaked clothes and wash away the carnage that covered me. Under a steaming shower that had splashed his pant legs and shoes, Nick had washed my face and shampooed my hair. Then he’d stayed while I’d given the officers my statement. I’d begun trembling, shivering so badly that Nick had wanted to take me to the hospital. But I’d declined. I’d wanted to go home. To take Molly inside and lock the door.
Nick had driven us. My ears rang: I had trouble hearing. But I understood that Molly was asking questions and that Nick was answering. I heard him say that Charlie had been very sick. That Charlie had imagined