enjoying someone giving a rat’s butt about her. Her need for Gram’s approval was heartbreakingly sweet.
I just hoped Candy didn’t try to talk to Gram while my human friends were present. I’d had a come to Jesus with both Candy and Tim before the gals had arrived. Whether it worked or not remained to be seen. Lunch had gone relatively well thus far. Even Candy’s manners weren’t too bad—nary a toothpick in sight.
“I can’t think of anything that has two rear ends.” June came out of the kitchen with a platter of her homemade peanut butter cookies piled high. “Not sure that cookies go with wine at two in the afternoon,” she said with a giggle, rolling her eyes at Jennifer. “But I’ve never been able to attend a gathering empty-handed.”
“And thank goodness for that,” I said, pilfering a few cookies off the plate as June passed by. “I’d sell my soul for your cookies.”
“That’s a little dramatic,” Tim said, staring at the glass of wine Jennifer had placed in front of him.
The sour expression on his face was proof that wine wasn’t his thing. However, he sipped it politely and only gagged a little. He was doing his damnedest to fit in. It was adorable in a bizarre way.
“You’ll understand when you taste June’s cookies,” Heather assured Tim.
“A toast to the chef,” Missy said, holding her glass high. “I dream about that chicken salad. It was delicious as always. To Daisy.”
“To Daisy,” everyone said, following suit.
“Dudes,” I said with a laugh. “It’s as easy as sin, but thank you.”
“It’s my recipe,” Gram reminded me.
Without even a glance her way, I repeated her. “It’s Gram’s recipe.”
“To Gram,” Jennifer said as her eyes welled up with tears. “I miss her something awful. Loved her like she was mine.”
Gram zipped over to Jennifer and wrapped her in a ghostly embrace. Jennifer had no clue. Neither did June nor Missy, but the rest of us did.
Candy was under Gram’s spell as well. She stood up, made her way across the room to Jennifer and awkwardly patted her on the head. Gram gave her a nod of approval and Candy blushed.
“Thank you, Candy Vargo,” Jennifer said, sniffling. “Did you know Gram well?”
“Umm… I… ahh…” Candy was at a total loss. In her frantic search for how to answer, she went for a toothpick until Gram threatened her life and she immediately put it away.
Thankfully, June, Missy and Jennifer were oblivious to the fact the Gram had vowed to tear Candy an ass that would preclude her from sitting for a few centuries.
That would have been very difficult to explain.
Leave it to my vibrator-rehoming buddy Tim to save the day… or not.
Tim cleared his throat and let it rip. “I do believe Candy has learned more about Gram since her sad, tragic and untimely demise. Candy Vargo of the Piggly Wiggly wishes desperately that she had known Daisy’s loving caregiver better, and awaits the day with bated breath until she meets the illustrious, wonderful and viciously threatening Gram in the afterlife. Candy Vargo is counting her toothpicks until the glorious time arrives, which almost came to fruition yesterday when she narrowly missed getting mowed down by a crazy woman—who shall remain nameless—driving a car. Not that I saw it. I just heard about it.”
Tim’s rather unconventional response caused about a minute and forty-seven seconds of confused discomfort among the guests. But we were Southern. Colorful and inappropriate behavior was in our DNA. A party wasn’t a success unless someone stuck their foot in their mouth and pulled it out of their ass. It was usually Jennifer for the win, but Tim was the champion this afternoon. Bizarre conduct was expected and to a certain degree welcomed. It was also politely ignored.
“Well, then,” said June, the adorable peacemaker of our group, nodding at Tim politely. “Would anyone like a cookie?”
The chorus of yesses let us gracefully move past Tim’s outlandish defense of Candy. My new buddy was clearly not quite ready for group interaction, but being with my friends was a safe place for him to start.
“Back to the killer with two butts,” Jennifer said. “Who has a guess?”
Candy gave it a shot. “Siamese twins with a vendetta against the diabolical shit-ass doctor who tried to separate them with a hacksaw?”
Karma wasn’t quite ready for group interaction either.
“Nope,” Jennifer said. “But that was a damn good guess and seriously gross. I like the way you think, Candy Vargo.”
“I have a conjecture,” Tim said, raising his hand.
“Is