I trust you.” He gave her a long, knowing look. “And I think it’s time you trusted yourself.”
*
Back at the cabin, Erika showered and dressed, while playing Billy’s words in her head. He trusted her, and he thought it was time she trusted herself.
What did that even mean?
It was so frustrating. He was so frustrating. There was something between them but she had no idea what it was.
He was flirty, and fun, and sometimes serious, but it was never more.
Well, there was that tension, the one they both worked hard to ignore, but sexual tension wasn’t a relationship. Sexual tension was what Billy was best at.
He didn’t do relationships. He just had sex.
If she was open to it, she thought he’d probably have sex with her.
She wasn’t open to it, though. She wanted him, but not that way. Or at least, not only that way. Sex with him wasn’t enough. She didn’t just want an orgasm, she wanted love. She wanted his heart.
Unlike Billy, she didn’t have a close family. She didn’t have a clan. She needed people of her own, her family, and she wouldn’t settle for less. She couldn’t. Love was too important.
Billy grilled steaks that night using just his right arm. He had her help him in the kitchen, washing potatoes and salting before wrapping in foil, and then rinsing the romaine lettuce for a salad. But he seasoned the steaks on his own, and then managed to light and clean the outdoor grill.
She carried the potatoes and platter of steaks outside to him, and then after checking on Beck, who was bouncing wildly in his bouncy seat, leaned against the column on the back porch and watched Billy put the potatoes on. “We’ll need to wait for the steaks,” he said.
He’d showered when he returned, and his hair was wet, slicked back, showing off his impressive bone structure. He was a handsome man even straight out of the shower. “Did any of your family wonder about you buying a cabin in southwest Utah?”
“Joe was disappointed. He’s hoping some of us will settle on the ranch, help him out, but that’s not me. Who knows? Tommy might.”
“Don’t you miss your mom and grandfather when you’re here?”
“I try to see them every month or two, even if just for a day. Planning on taking Beck home before too long. Thinking of heading there for Mother’s Day.”
“When is Mother’s Day?” she asked.
“Mid May, second Sunday of May, I believe.” His eyebrows lifted. “I thought all women knew stuff like that.”
“The last time I sent my mom a card it came back unopened.” She shrugged. “I never bothered to send another one. If she doesn’t want a relationship with me, I’m not going to force it.”
“But you miss her.”
“I miss…” She exhaled and the words died. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t going to change her mom, or her family dynamics. You couldn’t make people want you. You couldn’t make people love you. They either did, or they didn’t. Better to come to terms with reality, better to have acceptance. “Actually, I don’t miss her. I don’t miss the family I was raised with. It wasn’t ideal.”
“You fight with yourself all the time.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think you want acceptance, but don’t have it. And I think you want a family, but you’re not sure you’ll get it… or you deserve it. Which I think is crazy because you’re one of the most together women I’ve ever met—”
“Not saying a lot, based on the women you meet.”
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I’m too invested in my degree.”
“Just because you’re studying, doesn’t mean you can’t date, or have someone serious in your life.”
“Maybe I haven’t met anyone that I liked enough to include in my life.”
“That’s fair,” he replied.
There was something about the conversation that made her breath catch, and her heart ache. He made her feel so much. She didn’t know how he did it.
Erika turned away and gazed out, focusing on the horizon. The sun was beginning to set, long golden rays of light outlining the hills, dappling the field below the cabin with shadows. A deer grazed in the shadowed pasture, and then a fawn, carefully picking its way through the grass to join its mother.
“Do you see?” Billy asked, pointing to the pasture.
She nodded. “Love it. You’re lucky to have a little slice of paradise. No traffic, no noise, no neighbors. Just deer.”
“And coyotes, raccoons, skunks, birds.” He opened the lid on the grill and turned the potatoes