him that she didn’t want to write and work, that she just wanted to be with him, but it sounded pathetic even to herself. “Childcare would help. Some meals would be nice. I’m not adept in the kitchen—”
“You’re better than you were.”
She smiled crookedly. “Thank you. I think.”
“What else is worrying you? Tell me. Let me help if I can.”
“Money.” Her voice cracked. “I need to bring in some money again. It’s going to be tough making my rent payment for June if I don’t get my act together.”
“I’ll cover your rent—”
“No.”
“Why not? You’ve given up your life for Beck, and he’s my son. Let me help you.”
“Because Beck has been a gift, and a joy. I don’t want to take money from you for doing something I’ve loved.”
“Why is it okay for you to take care of Beck, but I can’t help take care of you?”
Heat rushed through her again, as well as a wash of shame. “I take care of Beck because he’s a baby. I’m not an infant. You shouldn’t have to take care of me. I should be able to take care of myself.”
“You’ve helped take care of me since I was hurt, and I’m not an infant.”
“It’s different. You were injured. You had serious injuries, too—”
“I’m beginning to understand. Everyone else can be human but not you. You’re superhuman, and therefore, should be perfect.”
Annoyed, she shot him a hard, narrowed glance. “No.”
“If you feel needy, it’s because you think it’s somehow wrong to have needs, and I don’t know what your psychology experts say about that, but I was raised to think that it’s okay to have needs, and it’s okay to struggle, and it’s okay to ask for help.”
Temper flaring, Erika faced him, her hands rubbing Beck’s back as if to soothe him when in reality she was trying to calm herself. “If you’re such an expert, why don’t you want more for yourself? Why do you pursue women who are satisfied with just your body, and don’t want more of you? Why want women who are willing to accept your rules? Why not let yourself be challenged by a woman who wants the best from you, not just sex from you?”
He lifted a brow. “How long have you been holding that in?”
“I’m serious! Why don’t you want to be loved? Why don’t you want something permanent? What has made you afraid of love?”
“Not afraid of love,” he answered promptly. “I just don’t love.”
“You love your brothers, and your mom—”
“And Granddad,” he agreed.
“So you love.”
“But I don’t fall in love. I have never fallen in love. There has never been that deep connection, or earth-shattering emotion and attachment that makes me think this is something I want forever, that without this person, I don’t want to live—”
“I don’t know that that is love. That’s storybook stuff, romance novels and Disney movies. Love is an attachment. That’s exactly what love is.”
“But I don’t feel it, and as I don’t enjoy hurting people, I discourage women from getting attached to me. Thus, hooking up works for me. I’m not causing anyone pain. I’m not disappointing anyone—”
“Just selling yourself short.”
“How?”
“Because you can’t become attached if you never spend time with anyone. You won’t ever feel connected if you don’t invest in someone. Love grows over time. Again, it’s not the fairy tale where you lock eyes across the room and suddenly fall in love. Love is a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it is.” She looked down at the top of Beck’s cap covering his head. “You didn’t have any feelings for Beck when you first met him, but now you do.”
“He’s my son.”
“But it’s not just head knowledge. You’re connected now because you’re protective of him. You’re bonding by being together. You feel love in part because you’ve taken care of him, and you want him safe. Happy. That bond didn’t happen in one day, either. It’s been a progression—”
“Okay, Dr. Baylor, you’ve made your point. Love takes time, needs to grow, it’s more organic that the media portrays. Is that it?”
She nodded.
“Great. I’ll keep an open mind next time I meet a woman in a bar—”
“Billy.”
“What? That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it?”
“You’re being deliberately obtuse.”
“I do love it when you use big words.”
“Now you’re just trying to push my buttons.”
“Maybe.” He glanced out over the Bryce canyon and then up toward the slope they’d walked down. “I suggest we head back up. Beck’s going to get hungry and I don’t think I