across her senses as if she’d stroked sandpaper.
She looked back into his eyes. They glowed bright. “It would if it was a bad one,” she whispered.
“It won’t be bad. Nothing between us could ever be bad.”
And just like that, a frisson of excitement shot through her, making her dizzy and breathless. “You know just what a woman likes to hear,” she said, easing the baby from his arms, and taking several steps back.
Some of the fire faded from his eyes. “This isn’t about anyone else. This is about me and you.”
“But we can’t have a me and you, can we?” She struggled to keep her tone even, pleasant. “It’d be just sex.”
“Sex is wonderful.”
She focused on slipping Beck into his new reclining bouncy seat, and then strapped the little belt so he’d be secure. She adjusted the belt a little bit more to keep from meeting Billy’s eyes. “Sex makes cute little babies like this guy.”
“If we did it, we’d use protection.” Billy rose. “But we’re not going to do it. We can’t do it. It’d change everything, and that wouldn’t be fair to Beck, or you.”
She managed a jerky nod. “Thank you for keeping an eye on the big picture. I appreciate it.”
“You know I find you incredibly attractive—”
“Let’s not do this.” She gave him a bright, fierce smile, one with lots of teeth. “We both know what’s at stake, and we’ve both agreed it’d be a mistake. Now let me go sort out breakfast. And it might just have to be scrambled again today. I don’t think I can handle trying anything new.”
After making breakfast, eggs for both of them, Erika carried her plate into her bedroom and sat down on the bed to work and eat. For ten minutes, she struggled to focus on the screen but her mind was completely blank.
She felt angry. Embarrassed. Frustrated. Furious. That whole conversation had been miserable. Being told by Billy what they could, and couldn’t do, ticked her off.
He made it sound like he was the wise one, the one with discipline and maturity. If he was so mature, why did he only want sexual relationships? Why didn’t he want emotional connections? Why did he run away from anything that remotely resembled love?
If he was so wise, why was he attracted to her in the first place?
She wasn’t his type. She didn’t like cowboys. She hated the rodeo. She disagreed with most of the decisions he’d ever made in life. He was foolish and arrogant and stubborn and completely in denial when it came to his own mortality.
And yet she wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold him tight. She wanted to press her face to his chest and breathe him in and let his warmth sink into her. And maybe some of his courage and bravado. As well as his humor. She loved his laughter, and the way he smiled, and that little groove next to his mouth that deepened when he was holding back a smile.
She was crazy about him.
Crazy, stupid.
Blinking back tears, she left the bed, and carried her plate back to the kitchen. Billy was there, at the sink, doing dishes with one arm.
“I was going to do those later,” she said.
“No biggie. It’s my turn.”
“I don’t mind—”
“You’re not a maid.” He turned the water off, and faced her. “I do need to get you some money, though. You’ve spent weeks taking care of Beck, weeks where you can’t work your other jobs.”
“I don’t want your money. He’s my cousin.”
“That was our deal.”
“There was no deal, Billy. Beck needed me and I wasn’t about to leave him, not until he’d formed a strong attachment to you.”
“Has he?” Billy asked, his gaze narrowed.
“Are you asking my personal opinion or my professional opinion?”
“Has he bonded enough with me for him to not suffer when you leave?”
She winced. “I can’t answer that.”
“Why not?”
“Because—” She broke off, swallowed hard. “In general, babies less than six months old adjust better to a loss of a primary adult than babies who are older. As long as Beck’s needs are met, he should ultimately thrive.”
“Why was that so hard to say?”
She shrugged uncomfortably. “It’ll be an adjustment though. Babies don’t understand the concept of time, so he might be upset by my absence. Initially.” She couldn’t stand this conversation. She didn’t even want to be in this house anymore. “I’m thinking of heading into town to go shopping. Need diapers, wipes, maybe a few outfits. Just something comfy for the day