its correct meaning. But it’s the little things I often forget. When to arrive at places, what I’m supposed to do from one day to the next. Luckily I don’t have much responsibility so it doesn’t make much difference. Everyone just assumes I’m being my usual self.”
“Why don’t you tell them?” she asked.
He paused, staring at her.
“It would make me out to be… weak. My brothers… well Baxter is the heir so it doesn’t much matter what he does. And Alex… Alex is complicated.”
“In what way?”
“He’s always been good to me, I think. We are as close as can be. But sometimes I wonder about all the trouble I used to get into, and how much of it was my own doing and how much he orchestrated.”
“Why would he do that?”
“For fun, I suppose. A bit of sport.”
“Doesn’t seem sporting to me,” Joanna mumbled, but she began to think on her previous Christmases with the family, remembering instances in which Alex and Elijah had played a practical joke. Elijah was usually behind the scheme, but the intent could be questioned. If Elijah was always trying to do as his older brother wanted him to, then she could see how much of it might not have entirely been Elijah’s fault.
“And now?” she asked softly.
He shrugged. “Now I’ll likely move somewhere away from the family. Live off my commission or half-pay from the army.”
“What will you do?”
He ran his hands over his face.
“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I’m not good for much. But I’m also not much of a gambler, nor do I have any interest in the clubs or society events. Unless…”
He had the vulnerability to blush, and it was so endearing that Joanna nearly leaned over and kissed him.
“…I can make it a bit more interesting.”
“With a prank or two.”
He nodded with some remorse. “Yes,” he said.
“So, what would you like to do?” she asked, leaning in. “The world is now open to you.”
“Well…” he looked down at his hands, and she realized that whatever it was he refused to say he found somewhat embarrassing, “there is something I would like, but I’m not sure it can ever come to be. Not with the way my mind currently works.”
“I don’t understand.”
Did he want to be a physician or barrister or some such profession? She doubted it, but memory loss would certainly preclude him from those occupations.
He mumbled something so quietly she didn’t hear him.
“Pardon me?”
“I said I’d like to be a father.”
She sat back, surprised at his words and also… warmed by them. A warmth that began in her heart and spread through the rest of her.
“You would make a most excellent father,” she said, trying to hide the emotion that threatened to invade her words. “Christopher and Clementine just love you. Oh, and just think of all the trouble you’ll get them into with their mother.”
She laughed quietly as a vision filled her mind — a vision of her and Elijah, their children around them. A family.
But. There was a but.
She had to ask.
“Why would you think that could never come true?”
“A man with a condition like mine wouldn’t make much of a husband — or a father,” he said, his jaw tightening. “Forgetting birthdays, holidays, when to appear, when not to.”
“Oh, Eli, I don’t think that’s anything to be concerned about,” she said, tilting her head to the side as she studied him. “Your family — anyone who loved you — would understand.”
“But what if…” a pained expression pinched his face, “what if I lose some of the memories that I make with them? What if I don’t recall things about my children — things I should know, time spent with them?”
Joanna sat up, coming to kneel in front of him, taking his hands within hers.
“Elijah,” she said softly. “No one is perfect. Far from it. But all that matters is that you can prove your love to another. If you have that holding the bonds of your family together, then everything else will fall into place.”
His eyes searched hers.
“How are you always so optimistic of what is to come?”
She smiled and shrugged. “It’s no use worrying about it. Might as well hope for the best.”
He chuckled lowly. “I wish I could be that way.”
“I always thought you would be — you’re all smiles and laughter and jokes.”
“It makes it easier to allow everyone to think that,” he said, and then framed her face in his hands. “I think you’re the only one who really sees me for