she speaks again, her voice is small. “You need to hear this. It’s not easy for me to say—to remember. The week before the shooting, I told my sister I wished she’d never been born. I never said I was sorry. And then she was gone. You weren’t the only one who did shitty things. No one blames you.”
I look at the floor. The carpet is scuffed and worn. I look back up, into her eyes, and nod. “Thank you.” My voice wavers. I know this isn’t an easy gift she’s giving to me; it’s one that hurts and breaks her heart, and I appreciate it more than she’ll ever know. I reach out and put a hand on her arm. She clasps her hand over mine.
“I don’t know if you know this, but in the past couple years, Jordan and I became pretty good friends. We were lab partners, and he was so freaking funny.” She gives a little laugh. “I really miss him. I really miss all of them.”
Another thing about Jordan I didn’t know. How much was there about my brother that I didn’t see because I was too intent on him staying the person he had always been to me? How much did I miss by resenting him? Those nights when I thought he was tagging along after me to parties because he wanted to feel superior. When I look back on it now, I see it so differently. I remember all those times he made sure I didn’t drink too much, the times he would hide my Solo cups full of vodka from me even though I would get so angry at him. The times he and Lucy would collect me and Chim from parties and drive us home, and then Jordan would help sneak me in through the front door so our parents wouldn’t hear. He was doing it because he cared. Because he knew that I was losing myself. Because he loved me.
My throat tightens and I swallow hard to hold back the tears that threaten to spring into my eyes.
Lucy, who’s been chatting with the girl standing with Anne, turns back to us. “Sorry to interrupt, guys, but I have to go help set up.” She looks at me. “You coming?” I nod. Anne and I exchange wobbly smiles, and then Lucy leads me toward the makeshift stage.
As we push through the crowd, I make eye contact with Brian, Jordan’s friend. He’s walking through the crowd on the other side of the room. My heart skips a beat in my chest, as it always does when I see him, but for the first time I hold his gaze. His eyes widen for a second, like he’s surprised that I’m not running away, but after a beat they grow sad. He smiles and raises his hand in greeting, and it flashes through my head that he’s a leftover, just like me. Jordan’s gone. Marcus is gone. He’s the only one of their trio who’s still here. I smile back. I wave. I mouth “I’m sorry.” He nods, and before I can say more, my view is blocked by a group of people shuffling up to get closer to the stage.
Lucy leaves me and heads up to the stage to get organized. I wander over to the wall on the left side of the room. I’m hiding, but I’m also watching, for once, instead of being trapped inside my own thoughts. Chim arrives with a couple girls I used to be friends with at Carter. Seeing her face makes my breath catch in my throat. The photos Lucy brought over the other night triggered things I’d buried deep down inside myself, and they reminded me that I’ve missed Chim—that there was more to us than drunken nights and hangovers. She’s my oldest friend in the world now, and somewhere along the way I forgot that we used to have fun together before drinking kidnapped our friendship and turned it into something else entirely. She spots me and waves. I wave back but stay where I am. I know the two of us need to talk—really talk—sometime soon, but this is not the place.
I notice that on the stage Lucy and Conor keep bumping shoulders. At first, I think