want to host the show because after I was on House of Love, there was a…” My mouth went dry as I tried to find the words to say what I needed to say. I never talked about this, and when I did it was with a therapist. “My boyfriend at the time, um…”
“I know.”
I continued staring down at Jackson’s hands on my knees. His thumbs began moving up and down my inner knee, in comforting passes. I wished we could stay just like this. It felt so nice, the connection, his caress. I wanted to remain cocooned from reality. But I knew that wasn’t possible.
Taking a deep breath, I started to explain, “You know I was on the show, but after the show he…” my words trailed off.
Why couldn’t I just say the words?
“I know about after the show. I know about the video.”
My eyes flew to his. “You do?”
He nodded.
“You knew this whole time?” I felt so stupid for thinking that he hadn’t. Of course he did. Anyone who had a smartphone or computer probably knew.
“No. I found out Saturday.”
“You googled me?” It was a completely normal thing to do. I mean, I’d done it to him. But somehow, it felt like a betrayal. It made zero sense.
“No. I didn’t.” He continued his ministrations with his thumbs.
As difficult and stressful as this conversation was, I had to admit that the brushes of Jackson’s touch were soothing and comforting.
“Did someone tell you?” I wondered if it was one of his brothers. None of them had acted like they knew when we’d been at dinner yesterday. But maybe that was just because they’d been raised right.
“Yes.”
I didn’t know if he was trying to be evasive, but that’s what it felt like. “Who told you?”
“My mom.”
My heart sank and my stomach turned. I may have only known Dolly Briggs a few days and I was probably projecting onto her because I’d never had a nurturing maternal figure, but I loved her. The thought of her and Mr. Briggs knowing about my past was heartbreaking.
Tears once again welled in my eyes. “Your mom knows?”
“Yes.” Jackson must’ve seen the emotion building in my lower lids because he squeezed my knee and quickly explained, “She only told me because she was warning me to be careful with you.”
“She was warning you about me?” I thought I was going to throw up. It made perfect sense that a mother would warn her son away from someone with my past, but it still hurt to think of Mrs. Briggs doing that.
“No!” His voice raised and I could see that he was getting flustered. “I’m sorry, this is coming out all wrong. She was trying to protect you. From me. She said that you’d been through enough and one of her sons was not going to add to your pain, not as long as she was drawing breath. She feels horrible for what you went through.”
“She does?”
“Yes. And when I told her I was going to kill your piece of shit ex, she said that she had it covered. She’s been praying that he gets castrated in a boating accident.”
A short burst of laughter fell from my lips. Out of everything he might’ve said, that was not what I’d expected to hear. “That’s really specific.”
“That’s what I said.” Jackson smiled and squeezed my knee again. “She saw it on some emergency room show.”
I felt more emotion brimming in my eyes but this time it was because it was nice having people being protective of me.
My grandmother had been supportive, but she’d never understood why it had been so traumatizing to me. Her take on it was, “Darling, you are a beautiful young woman and sex is totally natural. It should be celebrated!”
She didn’t think I had anything to be ashamed of or upset about. She’d also been in the limelight since she was sixteen and was of the mindset that the only bad publicity was no publicity. She’d done her best to empower me, but had lacked in the empathizing department.
“So that’s what brought on the panic attack?”
Just hearing Jackson’s deep voice had a calming effect on me. I took a deep breath. “I thought I was okay. I thought that I could do it. But then I saw those boys looking at their phones, and then at me. They were laughing and I don’t know for sure but I think they were watchi—”
Jackson’s jaw ticked and his nostrils flared as he stood and started to stalk