held the passenger door open for me, but I asked, “Do you mind if I have a cigarette first?”
“I didn’t know you smoked.”
“Yeah. Bad habit. Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. We’re just getting to know each other.”
But I only smoked half of the cigarette before we got in the car. When he leaned over and kissed me, I was surprised at my response, because he felt so much different from Justin. Like the way he moved his tongue and how he placed his hands on my arms, Justin would’ve either grabbed me possessively around the waist, pulling me closer or winding his hands around my head, intertwining his fingers through my hair. The way Kevin kissed me felt safer, like he was afraid of pushing too hard. Like I was fragile.
I didn’t know if I liked it.
My body, though, woke up to his attention. So I decided I must have liked it. Placing my left hand on his chest, I wrapped the other around his neck.
“Are you ready to go home?”
Maybe the wine was talking. “Not really.”
He raised an eyebrow. “What would you like to do?”
“We could go back to your place for a while.”
Definitely the wine.
“Okay. We can do that.”
I rested my head on the back of the seat, closing my eyes, thinking I really needed to get laid by someone besides Justin. Kevin would do.
When we got back to his place, a little house across town, he asked if I wanted more wine, but I didn’t need more. As it was, I already felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. Following him into the kitchen, I surprised myself again, wrapping my arms around his waist from behind. “No more wine.”
Fuck. Justin had made me far too bold. I knew this because I’d never been this forward with another man I hardly knew.
Kevin turned around and kissed me and then soon after we were in his bedroom. It was then that I realized I was blacking out, losing bits of memory. The next thing I knew, my clothes were off.
Then my hands were secured to the bedpost with the tie that had been around his neck. And I was okay with it. I didn’t even register that he’d gone down on me until an intense orgasm washed over me, making my head swim and my body shake. I was still floating when he entered me, and I wondered if he’d put a condom on.
“Fuck, Randi. You’re so goddamned tight. Your pussy’s like a glove around my cock. I could fuck you all night long.” He kept pumping inside me and I came again.
But most of what happened I barely remembered.
The next thing I knew, he was holding me close. “Was that good for you?”
I forced my eyes open. “Yeah, that was incredible—but I really should get home.”
My body was all but numb as we dressed in silence. Then he took me home and I slept till we got there. When he dropped me off, he had a ridiculous smile on his face. “I had a good time, Randi.” He gave me a long kiss before I shoved my key in the door. “I’ll call you next week.”
When I closed the door, I immediately fished the cigarettes out of my purse and walked through the house. Opening the back door, I leaned against the jamb, realizing it was cold, but I couldn’t feel shit. I sucked down a cigarette, admitting I wasn’t proud of myself. Sure, I’d done it with another guy, but the whole goddamned time—at least the parts I could remember—I’d been thinking about Justin.
And all that did was make me a fucking dirty slut.
That entire weekend, my mind kept going over it and over it before I realized my daughter’s school counselor had tied me up. Had I enjoyed it? Was that strange on a first date? With someone you hardly knew?
It was times like these I could have used a best friend who wasn’t the guy I couldn’t forget about.
Maybe I needed to go back to being a fuck buddy. At least I could talk to him after we had sex.
Jesus. No wonder I couldn’t help my daughter. I couldn’t even fucking help myself.
* * *
That next Tuesday, I was heading back to my van after class, trying to remember something my history prof had said when I noticed Justin on the sidewalk ahead of me. Without even consciously thinking about it, I slowed my pace to avoid talking to him. When I realized what I was