and walk away. Plus, trust would be an issue. Well, trust’s an issue on Grindr too. There was that guy in the UK who used Grindr to hook up with guys and he murdered at least four men and raped a lot of others.”
“That’s a cheery thought. Are you on Grindr?”
“No. But I did once read that there are guys on there who like to blow straight dudes so…” Ink looked across the table at him and Tay’s mouth went dry.
“I don’t think I’m straight.” Oh God what have I said?
“O…kay.”
Tay didn’t say anything else. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t believe he’d said that.
“I guess that was a big confession,” Ink said. “Stress levels soared? Good thing you’re sitting down. Need to put your head between your legs?”
“No.” Tay took a deep breath.
“Need me to do it for you?”
“You’re the first person I’ve said that to.” Somehow saying it had made it feel more like the truth. But still, he’d used the word think.
“Maybe it helps that you don’t really know me and I’m gay.”
“Maybe.”
“Why don’t you think you’re straight?”
“I had girlfriends. Not many. Never for long. It never felt right. I think…” Oh fuck.
“Don’t stop now. Pretend you’re in the confessional. You want more wine?”
Despite Tay’s anxiety, he managed to laugh. “Thank you, Father Ink, but no more wine.”
Tay felt as if he’d poked a hole in a dam and water was seeping out. Unless he found a way to plug it, pretty soon it was going to pour out. But do I want to plug it?
“Jonty…” The word blocked Tay’s throat.
“Your friend.”
“The best friend I ever had. We met at secondary school. I’m two years older, but the moment I saw him… He was so funny and smart, and he liked the same things I did. There was something special between us. Pretty soon we were almost inseparable. We did everything together at weekends and during the holidays. Even when I went off to university, I came home to spend time with Jonty. I stayed living with my mum and dad when I got a job so that I was near him. You know what it’s like when you have a really good friend. He never let me down. He was…perfect.”
“Is Jonty gay?”
“Yes. He came out when he was thirteen and his father beat the shit out of him.”
Ink winced.
“Jonty assumed I was straight and I went along with it. I did wonder if I was bi. I never told Jonty how I felt. Partly because I was too afraid of losing him as a friend. He was such a big part of my life and he’d never shown any interest in me… Not sexual interest. If he had, I think my life would have been very different.”
“He never guessed how you felt about him?”
Tay shook his head. “I was afraid to be gay because it just seemed I’d be opening myself up to a world of problems. Jonty not fancying me being the major one. So I told myself I probably wasn’t gay because it was easier. I got a girlfriend. Then another. It was…okay but…never enough somehow. Jonty didn’t go out with many guys. Nothing lasted. I never thought any of them were good enough for him. Wind on to around sixteen months ago, and Jonty started to see a guy called Brad. I really didn’t like him and not just because he didn’t like me being Jonty’s friend.”
Tay gave a short laugh. “Maybe Brad knew I was gay before I did. Anyway, Brad tried to get rid of me for good a couple of months later, and I ended up with broken limbs and a brain injury. And… I half-blamed Jonty. If he’d listened to me and not gone out with Brad, then I wouldn’t be in the position I’m in today. But Jonty never gave up on me when I was in hospital and at home. He came and talked to me and… Anyway, Jonty’s with someone now. A guy called Devan. They live together in Northumberland. I told Jonty that I didn’t want to see him anymore because I imagined that would be less painful. I was wrong.”
“You love him.”
Tay’s heart thumped. “I think he was the love of my life.”
“When did you last see him?” Ink asked quietly.
“December. I had to let him think the reason I didn’t want to see him again was because I blamed him for what happened with Brad, but really it was because I