books are miscategorized and some are shelved with their spines in. I walk past aisle after aisle searching for her, finally spotting her all the way in the back, in the romance section.
Her shoulders move up and down with each breath as she turns the pages delicately. Holding the book up to her face, Aurora's nose is quite literally buried in it.
"What are you doing?” she asks when I take a step and the floor makes a loud creaking sound.
"I wanted to talk to you," I say.
"So you followed me?"
"No, no, I mean yes," I stumble.
"Which is it?" Aurora cocks her head and narrows her eyes.
"Can we talk?" I ask.
"We are talking," she says.
She knows perfectly well that that's not what I mean, I don't know how to help her get past this angry part so that she will hear me out.
"You were supposed to be there," she says, walking around me and toward the register.
"I know, I'm really sorry.” I rush after her. "I was just working on a story and I got really caught up with it."
"I know that you have this career that you are really passionate about, but I have my own life and my own drama and I thought that I could rely on my boyfriend to be there for me."
"You can," I say.
"Really?"
"I'm sorry," I say, taking a deep breath. "I know that I fucked up. I should have never suggested that we break up. But I tried to call you so many times afterward…"
I stand here next to her and wait for the cashier to run her credit card and for her to enter her pin number.
"I'm really sorry about how everything turned out," Aurora says when we get outside.
The rush of the traffic startles me for a moment. I have been in Kentucky for too long, I decide.
"So is this it?" I ask.
She shrugs.
"Do you not wanna talk about this anymore?"
She shrugs again.
Aurora puts the weight of her body on the back of her foot as if she's about to spin and walk away, but something stops her.
"What do you want to happen?" she asks.
"I want you back," I say without missing a beat. "I am really sorry about everything, especially about missing your graduation. I love you, Aurora. I miss you more than you could ever imagine. I need you back in my life."
Big fat tears start to well up in her eyes. Her face contorts as she tries to push them away.
Aurora covers her mouth with her hand and shakes her head mumbling, "No, no, no."
I reach over and put my arm around her, but she pushes me away.
"No, I can't," she says.
"Why not?" I whisper.
It feels like there's something that she is not telling me.
But the harder I push, the further away she gets.
"I have to go," she says, wiping her cheeks. "I can't see you again, Henry. Too much has happened."
2
Henry
When she walks away, she takes my ability to breathe.
Is this what it feels like to die?
Folding in half, I wrap my hands around my knees and start to sob, not caring who can hear me.
I don't know how long I stay there. Eventually, I force myself up to my feet. I know that I'm pathetic, but with my heart shattering into a million little pieces, how should I act?
Should I just pretend that I'm fine?
Should I punch someone in the face?
Is that what a better man would do?
No, the only way out is to go through the pain, not around it, not over it, just directly through it. I know that, but that doesn't make it any easier.
I want to follow Aurora again.
I want to force her to tell me what happened.
I want to force her to take me back.
But sometimes, you reach this point and you just know that you can't push the other person any further.
I know her enough to know that what she said back there is her truth. The only way that I can find out what is really going on is by letting some time pass and to heal a little bit.
When I first got to New York and I saw her at her apartment and I followed her to that bookstore, I didn't want to approach her because I didn't want the last conversation that we had to be a breakup.
Unfortunately, I didn't listen to my own advice.
Now, we didn't just break up over the phone, she also dumped me in real life.
There goes another regret to add to that gigantic