It pressed down so hard on us that I wanted to say something to break it. Anything. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Why was he just looking at me like that?
“I’m sorry I came here so late,” I whispered.
He lowered himself into a chair and I did the same. “The thing is, you can’t be here. It’s inappropriate—you’re my patient. And you can’t just leave the hospital without being discharged. And I’m sure the whole ward is in a panic right now, looking for you. They might have even called the police in, since you’re considered a . . . vulnerable person.” He said this last part delicately.
“Because I still don’t know who I am?” I asked.
“Yes. I’m going to have to contact the hospital and let them know where you are, and we are going to have to go back.”
“You can’t take me back!”
Noah started shaking his head at me, and I wanted to reach out and physically stop it. But I couldn’t, so I aimed my words at it, hoping they would have that effect.
“Please! I don’t want to go back. I feel like I’m going to die if I go back to that place. I can’t be there for a second longer. I can’t! I’m begging you!”
Noah put his hands together in his lap and squeezed, as if he was really wrestling with this. His knuckles whitened, and I had the urge to hold his hand again.
“I can’t. This is highly inappropriate—it could even be illegal. This has never happened to me before, so I don’t know what it is. I can’t have you here without some kind of permission, I’m going to have to call the hospital.”
Tears dammed up, slowly at first. But then they pushed their way out of my eyes, climbed down my lashes and threw themselves onto my cheeks. I was surprised to hear the sound that rose up out of my throat with the tears. And to feel my shoulders shaking backwards and forwards with such force that my whole body seemed to be moving on the sofa. I gripped my knees with my hands, stuck my fingernails into them, trying to stop myself. But I couldn’t. It was as if someone had pulled the plug out of the bath and everything that was in it was pouring out, unstoppable. Out of the blurry corner of my eye I saw Noah rise up out of his chair. He rushed towards me, not tentative this time. And the thing I’d longed for the most, the thing that I’d been thinking about, happened. He slipped a hand through mine and gripped it tightly. I squeezed back, as hard as I could, trying to convey everything I was feeling in that one small gesture.
“I’m sure you must be feeling very frightened,” he said. “Not knowing who you are. Not having any memory. And I’m sorry this happened to you, I wish it hadn’t. But still, I have to contact the hospital and let them know where you are. And I have to take you back.” He gave my hand another squeeze, but this time it had a feeling of finality to it, which made me cry even more. He got up and disappeared down the passage once more. It felt like he was gone for an eternity, and when he finally returned, he was holding a phone in his hand.
“I’m sorry,” he said again softly and then started dialing the number.
CHAPTER 11
“There you are!” Ntethelelo shouted down the passage. “We were so worried about you. I almost had a heart attack.” She raced up to me. “Are you alright?”
“Fine,” I said, even though I was anything but.
I looked over her shoulder at the group of people who had gathered at the nurses’ station. I recognized all of them: Dr. Cohen, Dr. Maluka and Detective Ndaba.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause such a scene,” I said to Ntethelelo.
“Well, you did! We thought you might have jumped out the window. We didn’t know where you were.” She took me by the arm and guided me towards the crowd. Everyone was now looking at me. If you could call it looking. It was more scrutinizing. Studying. I felt nervous, and glanced behind to see if Noah was still there. He was, and I didn’t want him to leave.
“Are you okay?” Dr. Maluka came up to me and gave me the once-over.
“Yes,” I said, now feeling really terrible that I’d caused such a huge international incident. “I’m sorry