I have. And then there was you. So bright and fiery, challenging me, tempting me.” He dipped his head, his lips a whisper from hers. “You let me inside you…doesn’t that count for anything?”
She felt light-headed, pain slicing through her like a knife’s blade. But it was nothing compared to the fear. Nothing compared to the terror she felt at the idea of losing him. The thought of caring enough, of giving enough of herself to him that if he were ever gone from her she would never be able to put herself back together.
She pulled away from him, swaying on her feet. “You don’t understand, Alik. I’ve had love,” she said. “And this isn’t it. This isn’t…this isn’t what it feels like. This isn’t me.”
“Of course it’s not the same—I’m not the same man he was. You’re not the same woman you were. You’ve walked through hell. Did you honestly think you would come out the other side needing the same things you needed before you went in?”
“Of course I’m not the same! There’s no way I could be. But what you’re asking? It’s impossible. You want me to just forget him, to…”
“I never said I wanted you to forget him.”
“What other option is there? I’m getting further and further away from him and I can’t even…I can’t even capture the way that I used to feel anymore. I have been…drowning in this grief and pain for so long, and before that I had a life. I had a life and dreams enough for the future, and if I just keep…moving away from it, then what did it mean? It’s like I’m making it so it doesn’t even matter.”
“Why can’t it matter, too? Why can’t you just let it go and…”
“How would you even know what I can and can’t let go of, Alik? What any person could? You’ve clung to your pain, shielded it, all your life. You’ve spent all these years running from your feelings, from your pain, so don’t you dare tell me what I should let go of!”
He advanced on her, his lip curled into a snarl. “You’re right—I’ve spent enough time running, Jada, so I know what that looks like. But you aren’t even running. You’re just standing in the same spot, glued to it because you’re afraid to move on. I know your path changed, I know it’s rough and scary and I know it hurts, but you still have to walk on it, dammit. You were the one that told me life moves on. But you aren’t moving, Jada. You’re standing still.”
“So I should just go on like he didn’t matter? Like everything is fine?”
“You didn’t die three years ago. He did,” Alik said, his voice hard. Angry.
“Stop. Just stop.”
“No. You listen. You are alive, Jada Patel, but you choose to bury yourself. To try to live unchanging and unmoving. There is life here. There could be life with me. But you won’t take it.”
Her eyes glistened, with tears. With anger. “Just because I don’t want you doesn’t mean I don’t want to live,” she said. “I did change. I got Leena, didn’t I?”
“You didn’t change—you simply didn’t have anyone standing in the way of what you always wanted. Because he did stand in your way, Jada, whether you want to admit it or not. He stood in the way of Leena. Of who you are.”
“He didn’t, Alik. He was a good man, he—”
“Better than me?”
“Yes.” He jerked back, as though he’d been slapped. But still she kept going. “I want a simple, normal life that doesn’t hurt all the time. I want to raise my daughter, with you because you’re her father and it’s right, but I don’t want to be your wife.”
“You are in luck, then,” he said slowly, taking an envelope off the desk. “The adoption is finalized. You don’t have to be my wife.”
She blinked slowly. “I don’t?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
“You listen to me,” he said. “I will divorce you. I will give you what you ask for. I will put you in a house of your choosing. Here, in Attar, in New York, back in Oregon. I don’t care. But before I do that, I am going to say it one more time and when you reject it, you be sure that you don’t want it because I will never say it again…do you understand me? Reject me again and I withdraw it.”
She closed her eyes, a tear sliding down her cheek. And she nodded, biting her lip, trying to