I still had his full attention. “I want to apologize for what happened at my apartment Saturday night.”
Red stained Miller’s cheeks as he looked first at his coworker who was not so covertly listening to us and then at the woman beside me who watched us both like we were her new favorite reality show. I replayed my words and silently cursed at how suggestive they’d sounded.
“Is there somewhere private we could talk?” I asked hopefully. I held my breath, fully prepared for him to shoot me down when he eventually nodded.
He lifted a hand and pointed toward a short hallway in the back of the shop. “Wait for me by the door with the employees only sign. I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Thanks.” I stepped away from the counter and followed his instructions. I picked a spot where I could still see most of the counter and leaned against the wall to wait.
From my vantage point, I watched as Miller’s coworker turned toward him. I couldn’t hear his words, but his mouth was moving a mile a minute as he gestured toward me, not realizing I could still see him. Miller cut him off with a few words and turned his back on him. I laughed at the dumbfounded expression on the man’s face as he watched Miller walk away. The woman was still watching them, her expression giddy as she switched her attention between both men, telling me nothing hurtful had been said between the two of them. If anything, I imagined his coworker had tried to pump him for information about me. I hadn’t missed the look of interest he’d given me.
I turned away from the counter, eyes focused on the door as I waited for Miller. He poked his head out, looked at me once, and then stepped back and waved me in. I followed him into the interior of the shop and closed the door behind me. We didn’t travel far as we entered a small break room area with a little kitchen, a battered table with mismatched chairs, and a row of lockers.
Miller stopped in the middle of the room with his eyes on the floor and his hands twisting in his work apron. Not wanting to make him uncomfortable or block his exit if he wanted to leave, I gave him a wide berth as I circled the room and took one of the chairs at the table. For a second, I was worried it wouldn’t hold my considerable weight when it creaked, but it did.
After a bit of silence, Miller finally took the seat across from me. He lifted a hand and absently drew shapes on the table’s surface with a finger. “Maybe I’m the one who needs to apologize,” he said, his voice soft and quiet.
“Sometimes, I get panic attacks when I least expect them.” He looked up and gave me a quick flash of a smile as if to say, ‘see, everything is fine’ before dropping his eyes once again. “I know I worried you and Lee, but I didn’t mean to. It was nothing you said or did.”
No, I thought to myself, it was something Red said.
“I just got overwhelmed and wanted to leave.”
Miller was an excellent liar. It killed me, knowing it was a skill he’d developed because someone had made him.
Resting my hands on the table, I took a deep breath as I gathered my thoughts. “But it happened in my home,” I said, just as softly as he. “And for that, I’m sorry.”
Knowing he’d only be honest with me if I were first, I blew out a breath and continued. “I understand PTSD and panic attacks quite well, Miller. I used to get them often. One will still pop up on me every once in a while, and I know they don’t just happen out of nowhere. Something happened to trigger it. A thought, a feeling, a situation… a word,” I ended gently.
His body jerked back as if I’d slapped him. His face was a mask of shock and fear as he stared at me in horror. He knew I knew.
He started breathing fast—too fast—and when his hands began to tremble against the table, I knew I’d sent him into another attack. Cursing myself silently, I ignored his flinch as I grabbed his hand and pressed it to my chest.
“Breathe with me, Miller,” I ordered as I counted the seconds between every inhale and exhale. “I need you to breathe with me. In. And out. In.